Cause I just need to play

Good evening y'all. I'm sure your summer is racing by, as time seems to fly in the warmer months. The days seem to be passing very quickly here too, perhaps due to shorter days and less sunlight. It's hard to believe that just ten months ago Matt was unemployed and decided to undertake this massive project, editing a book with 78 contributors. Today the girls and waved him off as he flew to the USA to present the book, taking two weeks off from his job. They called out loudly as his plane flew away, "BYE DADDY!" while staring out the big windows with an interesting concoction of feelings balled up inside: excitement, awe, confusion and sadness.



Saturday was a "Daddy Day" Jess called it. It was her last day with him before he left for the USA. She was full of insights. "Daddy, do you know why you have to come to dance class?" "Because you are going away tomorrow and I am going to miss you. That's why." Well we went to dance and had a blast watching out spirited little fairy flit around the room, looking for any little friend that wanted to spin around with her. She did eventually find one little girl to join her. The mutual smile beaming across the room warmed us up. After dance class we went to a café on the river and had lunch. Following lunch, Matt and Jess walked home while pushing Evie in the pram. Matt said they had the slowest, most lovely, peaceful walk, almost meditative. Jess picked flowers along the way. They stopped and threw pebbles in the river and eventually made it home. En route to the airport today she asked him, "Daddy..do you know why I wanted to walk home with you??" "I just wanted to be close to you, because you are going to America tomorrow."



Although he had a peaceful walk yesterday and he seemed more at ease since he finished the book, Matt did not stay as chilled out as I had expected. In addition to working out of the house each day, he still had conference planning and masses of book correspondence to do. In fact he had so much book emailing to do that he forgot to pass on his flight details to our kind friend Amy who is to pick him up tonight at the airport. I am still waiting for a reasonable hour to call her with those details. He ended up stressed out on his last night with a headache, ironing in front of the Swans game and stayed up past midnight emailing. But now he is on the long flight, somewhere over the Pacific Ocean, probably relaxing a little bit.



The girls have been sleeping since 6pm after a late night out dancing last night and an early morning to the airport. What lovely full days we have. Keith maintains that making plans each day is futile here because things always change. Something always comes up that you didn't expect and often you have to run with it. The stubborn bull (aka Naughty Head or Pig) broke in a few times this week, once eating the last six oranges from our tree and some spinach. We chased it out each morning (an interesting task with Genevieve on my head, a big stick in one hand and Jess right by my side.) The last day he snuck by us and made it up to the road. This encouraged the neighbor to come and put up some temporary solar powered electric fencing and fix the broken fence while Keith was gone. Ahhh…a sigh of relief. When I first arrived I was entirely opposed to electric fencing, "around children??!!" Now, I am thrilled. Children, like cows, if they must, will learn after one mistake. Hopefully our girls won't need a shock to learn, Evie is still too young to truly listen and really likes "Crossing lines," so we'll just have to keep a good eye on her. A white cow also broke into the other garden and ate the mango tree and some kiwi vines. That gave me a gate to fix in the dark that night. It almost took the life of our poorly placed mango tree to make me repair the broken gate.

I have actually spent some time in the garden this week! Inspired by the recent tree cutting and more sunlight in the garden, I finally moved around fruit trees. The bush lemon with thick one inch thorns covering its branches finally left the child friendly orchard. I planted it in pure clay at the bottom of the dam, unprotected from the cows. The logic in this was, "I do not really want another tree to look after, but I can not in good conscience dig it up and kill it. I'll plant it in harms way and see if it survives. If it makes it through all that, I will eat its amazing survivor lemons despite their incredibly bitter taste. It had a prime spot in the orchard, so I planted the recently uprooted fig tree in its spot. The fig is happy and I can check off one more long awaited task on my mental list of things to do. The bush lemon, well, the last I saw of it there were two calves eating the mulch I had unwittingly placed at the base of the tree.



With the lead up, you'd think I had done more than uproot and plant two trees. Nope, that's it. Although, we did spend a lot of time outside this week. On Monday, the girls and I made a "sail boat" out of a Styrofoam dish, some cardboard, tape and ribbons. We sailed it across the dam a few times and hiked around the mucky edges to retrieve it for another sail. Jacinta was giddy with excitement. Genevieve was content on my back and eventually fell asleep. I was in little kid heaven, enjoying the sun and gentle breeze blowing and wondering why I hadn't thought of this before. We did it all again in French class and all the children were giddy to be allowed to get muddy and play near the dam with boats. The next few days were quite chilly and a bit rainy, but we found our way out anyway. Jacinta discovered the thrill of climbing up the water tank, yelling down the hole and hearing her echo. The tank was only ¼ full. So when it finally rained, we were grateful to see the tank rise to ½ full. Jacinta sometimes says that she doesn't like rain. When others might talk about the rain being a drag, she corrects them and tells them all the positive aspects of the rain, in the same words I have told her. It's funny to hear an echo of yourself, when it is a pleasant echo and not an imitation of your bossiness or impatience. .



"Can we go outside please? I want to jump in puddles! We haven't gotten mail in a while. Can we get the mail? Please?" Typically I am the number one fan of spending the whole day outside, but the girls are both sick again. AGAIN! Grrrr….infections are getting stronger these days, having to compete with the antibiotics. Somehow, Genevieve and I just got over our colds last week, passed it on to Jacinta. She then passed it back again this week! Nonetheless, in the daytime it is warmer outside than indoors so Jacinta and Evie made it outside. One evening before dinner Jacinta asked me to play outside with her. This was the first time Jacinta took my "sorry I'm busy" straight to Genevieve. "Genevieve, do you want to play outside with me?" Jacinta took Evie flower picking for a long while. I came out to peak at them once. Jacinta called out, "Mom, we're having heaps of fun! You can go back inside now."



My little birds are flying, out of sight while I do the dishes and it is so exciting. I LOVE watching them learn to entertain each other. This week Keith was away visiting his daughter so the girls had extra motivation to entertain each other. Both girls' imaginations are developing beautifully. Genevieve has just begun offering me pretend bowls of soup on the playground. She and Jacinta both spend time on the their pretend phone. Evie will say hello now. The other day while holding her purple phone Jacinta said, "Mommy…Lilly has called three times today! I think I'm going to have to turn off the ringer." I asked her why. "Cause I just need to play mommy."

That we did: dollies, dancing, singing, blocks, drawing, glittering and painting. As Matt prepared for his trip to America, we made gifts and cards for my parents summer birthdays. Matt will see them in a few days. It is strange for me to be here with his family and him there with my family. I suppose we're all family though, I just miss my mommy and daddy! We will see them at Christmas. In any case, the girls and I enjoyed making a few things for them. Jacinta's favorite part about giving gifts is wrapping them, and perhaps popping a few bubbles here and there.



Genevieve gave me two nice gifts this week. Two two-hour naps, one on Tuesday (Jacinta's preschool day) and one today. Jacinta is constantly making me pretend cakes and telling me that soon I'll be 31. She is so excited about it and for once, I'm not really conscious about my birthday. I'm more excited about Matt's trip to the US and our tenth anniversary coming up this August,. Keith and Mary are watching the girls overnight for a night! I'm also getting excited to take the girls camping in a few days up the coast. We are packing and getting ready to be nomads for a few days, stopping wherever looks nice and moving on when the time is right. Keith and I took the girls out to listen to some music Saturday night and they danced their little hearts out. I need little girls to give me an excuse to get up and dance when no one else is. I'm feeling very lucky to have them! Hopefully we'll find some live music on our little adventure. I have also been playing my guitar more regularly and am finally improving what I started almost ten years ago.



So picture us sitting by the fire this week, somewhere in the sandy bush, very close to the ocean. Maybe we'll be playing in the sand, playing music, roasting marshmallows, exploring the dunes, or cuddled up all together in a sleeping bag under a bunch of wool blankets. I can picture the weather in the US now, and perhaps have a sketchy image of what some of you might be doing to enjoy the summer. But drop me a line, I'd love to hear what you're up to. For now, I shall venture out in the rain and get fire wood to keep us all warm while we sleep.



Peace,

Shana

1 2 3 Teeth

Good evening loved ones. I hope all is well on your side of the earth. Things are quite good over here if we focus on the moment. The Tour de France comes on every night at 10pm. Matt and I (and Evie) have actually watched a lot of the coverage. Matt is in awe of the scenery, seeing video of the beautiful French countryside. This is a country about which he has studied and heard so much from me, but has never seen. I too enjoy the scenery, surely more than the cyclists. One night we watched as the cyclists rode just a few miles away from the farm in the Pyrenees where I picked flowers, wild blueberries, strawberries and raspberries for a few weeks in 2003. This sight was even better than the little Taste of France segment.

The pope is here in Australia for World Youth Day, exciting for many people here, young and old. Fifteen years ago, Matt would have been as energized as all of the pilgrims but times have changed. This particular pope kicked Matt Fox out of the Catholic Church, taking away his right to the priesthood for saying that the divine could also be feminine and for finding truth and beauty in other faiths and lifestyles. My Matt has edited Originally Blessed in celebration of the 25th anniversary of Matthew Fox's Original Blessing. Times have changed.

Last night the moon was full, so bright and spectacular. I'm sure you saw the same moon just sixteen hours or so after we did. Winter nights are great for watching the moon rise, as it comes up early enough for us all to watch. We had a few really warm days, two nights when we didn't even light the fire. In any case I am quite happy for the cold nights to return. A warm fire to gaze upon is reason enough.

Keeping the fire going all through the night is a challenge though. You'd think that sleeping next to it would make it easier but somehow I found a way to let it go out each night. Genevieve was having terrible teething pain, especially at night. If she could just play all night, forgetting her slow moving teeth, she'd be fine. She seemed to wake almost every hour, but could be appeased by one of the ten treatments I tried to apply to her gums. We even tried using non-natural methods. Turns out that chamomile drops, chamomile tea, whiskey, clove oil, homeopathic teething tablets, teething gel, pain relieving tissue salts, oragel and baby Tylenol all helped a little bit, no more than the others, but none were strong enough to help Evie through the night.

By 2am, she had had enough and after crying for a while would clearly call out, "Nappy?" "Nahna?" "toys?" or "pay?" After each attempt at calming her, she would end up still crying angrily with her hand in her mouth. In the beginning, she appreciated our efforts. After a few days though, all attempts just pissed her off. After a while fatigue kicked in and cuddles were the best medicine. Time passed. Jacinta, in one of her more empathetic moments said, "Wouldn't it be nice if we could say, '1, 2, 3 Teeth! and they would come out!" After four days, our sweet Evie is now happy again and has a few more teeth to show for all the pain.

As a rite of passage, Genevieve has decided that she will hold her spoon and feed herself. She will not eat if you try to "feed" her and grumpily tries to rip the spoon from your hand. We have followed her lead and pushed her in to join us at the table, no longer using her highchair tray. These tiny humans are just amazing, how suddenly they go from slobbing all over to eating like the rest of us. Of course I put a bib on her, but I am surprised how well she is doing. I suppose she has sprouted teeth for a reason.

I don't know a thing about the science of development, but perhaps all these new teeth make it easier for Genevieve to speak. I can't name all the words she is saying because she is saying too many. Yesterday at the park I asked her if she wanted to go down the slide. She said "slippery dip" (Aussie for slide) and fearlessly climbed up the play structure and slid down into Jacinta's arms. In the bath she placed a foam number 5 on the wall and I said "Cinq" (five in French). She replied, "Six, sept" (six, seven in French). Of course she has no idea what the words mean but she knows that when we play Cache-cache (Hide and Seek) those words come after "Cinq."

One morning I looked out the window at the sun, stretched up my arms and recited an old poem from my teaching days about the sun: "O Soleil Réveille mon coeur…" Now Genevieve spontaneously reaches her hands up toward the sun each morning and says "Soleil!" Jacinta and I have followed her lead and made up motions for other words in French like moon, star, wind, rain, and lightening. There are a few words for which Evie only knows the French, which makes me smile and inspires Jacinta to speak more French. Perhaps Jacinta has noticed I become more child-like when we speak French and likes that. I would too, if I were four years old.

Jacinta likes to play the role of the teacher, as we all do sometimes. She likes to initiate an activity. If it is her idea, she is there 100%. Oftentimes, if I suggest an activity she likes, she will suggest an alternative. This is perhaps why she has a hard time fully participating in French class. She watches all of her friends follow my directions. Sucked in by peer pressure, marveling at how much fun they are having, she can play along. But if there aren't many others, she falls away trying to lead the class herself and sometimes refuses to participate.

On Tuesday I went into preschool to play guitar for the children. Jacinta and I practiced six songs for a week, getting ready for the day when we would share some songs with her preschool friends. When the time came, she left the circle on the floor to go to a table on her own and draw. I had a nice time singing with the other kids, but felt a little sad that she didn't want to participate. One of the teachers went over to see why she wasn't singing with us. "I can hear my mom sing at home all the time," she replied. That evening Jacinta asked if I would come back and do it again. I wish I could look inside her mind once in a while, such a mysterious little creature. Hopefully I'll have many years to figure her out as she evolves into the beautiful little creation she is.

We are all somewhat mysterious to everyone but ourselves, but I suppose we know some better than others. I've known Matt for about twelve years, longer than I've known my girls. It's understandable that he'd be less mysterious to me. I know what he has energy for and what he doesn't. I know what he eats, what he will put up with, and what he will not touch. I know the basic things that make him happy. I know what inspires him and warms his soul. The girls give him energy, fill him with love and joy and tire him out. His job also gives him energy, and tires him out. His book has given him energy, drained him, and warmed his soul. This week the final orders went in, the printing price was confirmed and the printing began. He leaves for the USA in one week. Such a guy, he will pack the night before and is just now trying to catch up with people to make plans. Rather than frantically running around packing, Matt is breathing a sigh of relief, preparing for the Creation Spirituality Communities Conference and rejoicing that his "baby" will soon be in his hands and the hands of many others.

Today upon return from brunch at our friends' house, Matt cut down another tree for me. This was the last major impediment to sunlight in the orchard. Our neighbors happened to be burning off some of their last branches and offered to drag our cut down branches up the hill and burn them for us. Now Jacinta is not often up for voluntary labor, but if it involves fire or our kind neighbors, she jumps. She took her little koala (baby doll of the week) and she was off: dragging branches up the hill to throw them on the fire. After we finished the tree, I told her that we would be cooking some garden potatoes in the coals of the bonfire. She offered to dig up some more potatoes and wash them in the garden while I went up and fed Evie. This was a first. She needed a little help from Matt, who was still down there chopping up logs from the fallen tree.

Later on, we stood around chatting with the neighbors long enough to cook those potatoes on the hot coals. Jacinta was convinced she would not like them but with sour cream and butter, who can refuse? As the sun went down, we cooked the rest of our dinner on the fire while watching flock after flock of ducks and birds fly overhead. While Matt cooked sausages, the girls and I rolled down the hill. I found out what it feels like to be thirty and roll down a hill. Ouch.

Rather than describing my ageing bones, I'll close with a sweet story about our innocent little four year old. En route to the Bellingen markets yesterday, I gave Jacinta a purse with five dollars inside. This was a first. She was to buy a stone garden ornament to decorate and play with in the garden. She had two 2$ coins and one 1$ coin. After a few minutes of silent excitement and observation, she said, "Hey…Santa is on the money!" I busted out laughing, as quietly as possible, knowing that this was a picture of a stoic aboriginal man with a long beard. "Oh?" I asked. "Why is Santa Claus on our money?" she wanted to know. Giggles were all I could come up with. "Mommy, why is Santa so funny?" I finally came up with a simple explanation of who this was and why it was funny.

Anxious to try out shopping with her own Santa coins, Jacinta wanted to count out the minutes left until we would reach the market. We counted to sixty three times and then luckily found something else to do. Eventually Jacinta found a nice green frog to purchase with her Santa coins. I bought Evie a frog too, but her favorite part of the market seemed to be the band. A spirited little dancer, her body can't refuse music, it just has to move.

We all have our own little mysteries, some locked away deeper than others, and some so fiery that they can not be hidden. Sometimes I get frustrated when I pretend to understand my daughters. When I take a step back, I can marvel at the chance to love and understand the secrets they conceal as we all grow together. Here's to loving the mystery and letting it unfold naturally. Have a lovely, awe-filled week my friends.

Peace,
Shana

You're so special

Good evening y’all. I have been sitting here contemplating the week’s happenings and am shocked at just how much went on. I have more energy now because Genevieve is no longer breast feeding, but it could also be due to a conscious effort to live in the moment. Surely Matt’s excitement just having finished the book would also play a large role. Another energizing factor is having spent entire days with the girls out of doors in the yard. On those days I feel liberated by all the clean, fresh air to open up my heart, mind and spirit.

Being outside also means no toys, no futile messes to clean up, picnic crumbs can be left for other creatures, and great natural entertainment. We had a couple long lazy days exploring the mucky mangroves on the river flats, climbing trees, building shelters, visiting the neighbors and their bonfire, picnicking, playing on the playground, planting hyacinth bulbs, breaking sticks for the fire, working and playing in the woodchips. Genevieve even had a nap outside. I shalln’t say that everything was rosy. Jacinta still had quite a few tantrums, but none outside. Perhaps the open spaces and the birds prevent a blow out of tension and anger, seems logical. When I said we were going to have a picnic in the garden, Jacinta said she would not go and that she wanted to eat at the playground. She was rude and terrible while I prepared lunch, but when she realized the food and the fun were all going down the hill, she perked up and acted as if she had come up with the plan to go down to the garden.

Highlights outside for me were making the “bendy tree house” with the girls, with no help from the manly men here. We walked down to the river flats and cut down eight long skinny “bendy” trees. Once back up in the garden, we dug one end of each tree into the ground around the edges of a circle. I then made an arc with each tree and dug the opposite ends into the dirt. Later on in the week we covered it with camphor lauryl and wattle branches, turning it into a perfect fairy hide away, heaven scented with the yellow wattle blossoms. Jacinta was actually shocked I could build anything. She has started to make comments like, “We’ll have to ask pop to help, that’s too hard for you Mommy,” or “Mommy! You can lift that? I didn’t know you could do that!” It saddens me to know that my girl at the age of four thinks girls need help from men on all physical tasks and that she doesn’t know me very well.

Since I am a mother and so often do all of the tasks that are child-friendly, she thinks I’m a girly wimp and worst of all, that this is normal! Little does she know she has just rekindled a stubborn, egalitarian fire in me that burned very bright until I gave birth to her. I will try like hell to fix what she has wrongly learned and from now on show her that girls are damn strong and do a lot of things without help from men. This will get easier as Genevieve gets older. It is making me compare the last four years of my life to the 26 years before motherhood. Jacinta only knows me as a mother, not as the stubborn little “I can do it myself!” yippy dog that wouldn’t let men open doors or carry my bags for fear of growing soft.

I realize there must be a division of tasks. Who would cook if I didn’t? I am not strong enough to carry massive logs or use a chainsaw. (Matt did start teaching me today though). I don’t have a clue as how to fix a lawnmower or a car. So yes, in my age, luckily my yippy dog-ness has diminished as I have learned which tasks I can do more efficiently and which tasks are better left to others. But I do now feel a renewed duty to learn a few of these tasks, teach my girls to be tough, to not allow them to grow up soft and think that only men are good at chopping wood, mowing lawns and building.

For the time being, I am not much good at any of these things. Climbing is one outdoor physical activity that the girls and I all love and do well. During Genevieve’s nap the other day Jacinta asked what she could do. I have been trying to establish this short hour as a peaceful time with not much chatter and encourage her to entertain herself. When she asked if she could go outside and watch the neighbors’ bonfire, I happily agreed. She climbed up her tree and just stared across the yard at the massive tree now gone and burning in a pile and also inspected her tree. She had no idea I was standing at the window doing dishes so as she climbed down the tree to crawl into another stick shelter, she never once looked my way. Very seldom is she truly alone outside and content to be alone. This was a renaissance, and bliss for me to observe. On her return she noticed some fluttery things floating down from the sky (burnt leaves blowing all over from the neighbors’ burn pile.) She first observed, then chased them, then caught a few and crushed them to ash in her hands, curiously looking around wondering what they were, oblivious to my spying. She never once stopped to say, “Look at me!” Little does she know I watch more when she doesn’t ask.

Both a blessing and a curse, my love for things like cooking, knitting, music, arts and crafts, and sewing often takes precedence over the more physical activities which I love like running, dancing, tumbling, climbing, digging, building shelters and fires, exploring, and swimming. There is just not enough time in a day. I am happy outside in the fresh air, so I’m making an effort to do more outdoor physical activity and spend less time making things by hand. Jacinta, from time to time, is my alter ego. “Mommy, can we have a baking day tomorrow? I want to wear my apron.” “Mommy, will you knit me something?” “I don’t want to draw outside, I want to be inside.” Although, this week she has started whining when I say we have to go inside. Perhaps all she wants is balance. It’s not too much to ask.

Bath time is still a favorite indoor activity for both girls, especially for Genevieve. We can not mention “Baa time” unless the water is running. Evie stands at the side shaking, trying to take her clothes off. She’ll stay in for as long as she is allowed playing with funnels, water balloons and cups. She doesn’t splash much these days, Jacinta is thankful for this. As I cook or clean in the next room, I can hear them giggling away and usually guess that Evie is trying to dig in Jacinta’s belly button. Genevieve has started to sprawl out on her belly and kick, upon which Jacinta yells out to warn me, “Evie’s face is near the water!” Play dough is something they can do together, especially if Evie is locked up in her chair. Arts and crafts are often volatile, but sometimes we let our guard down, allow Evie to use to the big girl things and make a mess and then, they have fun together. They are both starting to feel the privilege of having each other, being sisters. I’m sure Jacinta senses the beauty of it on her own, but also given how much I love and rave about my sister and sisterhood. One morning while playing peacefully together, Jacinta said to Evie in this enamored wistful tone of voice, “You are so special.” I quietly uttered, “Awhhh…” and Jacinta quickly retorted, “Mom, I was talking to Genevieve!” annoyed that I had interrupted the moment.

This was an extraordinary week. Matt finished Originally Blessed, this was major, exciting and liberating. He had little tasks to complete each day, but not the black cloud of stress and deadline hanging over his head. He received almost 300 orders for books. This is a blessing, an affirmation for his effort and passion, not so much a financial endowment as any profit will be used for his airfare to the USA and for charity. The first book has been printed and proofs were sent to a friend in Texas for the final check. Knowing this is his precious baby, she sent him photos of the book and it is GORGEOUS. The artwork is amazing, the colors came out well, the layout looks great and just how he wanted it. Technology is so advanced that he never sent any physical drafts to the printer, all computer files. To see it in real print is wonderful. I can’t believe I’ll have to wait until he returns from America to see this book, and more important, that it will probably be done printing just before he gets to the US to see it. Exciting times.

An unusual outing this week for us girls was to the Laundromat. Our machine is broken, so we had an adventure. The girls stood on chairs, filled the machines, tipped in the soap and put the token in the slot. Even more exciting was the picnic on the river while we waited for the machines to do our washing. Genevieve and I still have colds, mine is a cough and hers a tired runny nose. So we dress very warm out in the wind. On Saturday Matt and the girls and I went up Yarrahappini mountain to check out the view. They had all been there a few weeks ago and had some things they needed to show me. We lollygagged around, and on the way out found a creek to play in. Jacinta jumped from rock to rock and wonder of wonders, never fell in. Genevieve threw in rocks and watched them splash, and happily rode in our arms. Matt explored like a little boy, also damming up a little pool with rocks. The lightness in him has returned, now having a job and having finished the book. The constant hurry and worry to get home and be productive seems to have disappeared. This doesn’t mean productivity is no longer a major focus, but his brain lets him rest and actually do things in peace now. Yesterday he cut down a massive wattle tree to make more shade for our fruit trees. Today we mulched the entire tree, and he also finished the last bricking touches on the fireplace. Ahhh…a sigh of relief, tension has flitted away.

We had some friends over for dinner on Friday night. All five children played happily for hours, leaving the adults to converse peacefully, only requiring attention once in a while. Watching young people play and create happily is sometimes much better than adult conversation. I had set up a curtain across Jacinta’s bed for a puppet show. After playing for a while, Jacinta called out, “We need Jesus!” (a tiny finger puppet of baby Jesus in the manger). They made up their show while I searched: Jacinta talking about Mary having a baby, Lilly moving the conversation to puppets pooping, and Aidan asking what you need Jesus for, “Jesus is dead!” Aidan is six and learned this in Scripture class in public school!!! Shocking, aye? Jacinta would have had a lot of questions and luckily wasn’t listening, focusing more on the baby. Genevieve was off cursing herself for dropping books all over the floor, imitating me saying, “Shih…shi shi shi shi.” Oh me oh my, I forget to watch my mouth around Evie. She does so many things that make me say “shit.”

Both girls may make us grit my teeth from time to time, but boy do they make us smile and be grateful. Poor Evie is in there gritting her teeth in her sleep trying to work through molars. Jacinta is sound asleep as she does. Matt is building a fire. I’d better prepare myself for a long night.

Peace,
Shana

I Big Girl

Good evening folks. I hope summer is doing you good. Winter is quite nice, the stars seem brighter in the cold. I love falling asleep near the fire, watching the flames dance. Although it’s a toss up, a real bed is also quite enticing. I’m actually contemplating warmer weather though, this is a shock to myself. Perhaps this means that I have been here long enough to take winter as it is. The days are short and the garden doesn’t get much sunlight. I keep hoping that a new season might do the trick, rather than having to cut down trees. When the girls get a little older, I’ll learn how to use a chainsaw. Then I won’t have to rely on asking the men to do my dirty work. Who likes killing trees? They are so majestic, and provide shade. Each tree, whether a native or invasive species provides shelter and food for so many different creatures. But alas, they are good breeders and will populate every inch of space left for them. Being human, we have the power to choose which species we want to be prolific.

If I had banana trees sprouting like weeds, I suppose I’d allow them to grow wherever they chose. (There are banana plantations nearby which still amaze me every time I see them while driving.) Apple trees, plum trees, I’d let them multiply too. In fact, the plum tree is flowering now, in preparation for spring. Perhaps this is what makes me look forward to spring. Our guava tree is all out of fruit, much to Genevieve and Jacinta’s dismay. Right now it is citrus time. Our tiny orange tree still has about ten lovely looking oranges on it. My friend Sara has full grown citrus trees and surprises us with a huge box of oranges from time to time, yesterday it was mandarins. Mandarins are sweet, juicy and easy to peel, but nothing beats a real orange. It’s funny to think back to my childhood understanding of a mandarin, little orange sections soaked in sugar water in a small can. I liked both in their own way, but getting them straight from the tree might take the cake. My brother in law Ben said that he felt bad juicing such beautiful oranges, a waste of a good orange. It was funny to recall this way of thinking, I used to think the same thing. Now I can’t imagine what to do with this many oranges and think of juicing as a good way to use them up before they rot and get the vitamins in without having to get the peel and film stuck in my fingernails.

I don’t much care about my fingernails, but I do get the chills from certain textures being stuck in there: dried up dough, dried up dirt and orange refuse all give me goose bumps. I guess we all have strange phobias, well, maybe not all of us. I also get goose bumps when I hear a moving song, poem or story. Those are my favorite goose bumps, rather than those from the cold or from dried up anything in my fingernails. Jacinta is starting to inquire into my lack of jewelry and makeup, “Mommy, why don’t you wear any of these earrings?” Little girls seem to love dressing up like their mommies with makeup and jewelry, I sure did. I’m not much to imitate, the girls can imitate their grandmas and then make the decision whether they want to bother.

Jacinta saw her first Disney-like movie the other night, Thumbelina. I didn’t see much of it, but happened to pop in during a part that focused on prettiness being an important virtue. Thus far we have managed to avoid exposing her to society’s sick obsession with physical appearances, Disney and princess stories being some of the early culprits. Jacinta brings it home from friends anyway, not the ugly and pretty stuff yet, but speaking of who is fatter. Matt and I never use the word fat when speaking to the children. It’s funny writing that, we have never discussed it or planned it. I go to the extreme of changing the word “fat” to something else in story books. Matt and I have known one too many anorexic teenagers. Although Jacinta can sit through Babe and Charlotte’s Web, she couldn’t make it through Thumbelina. Too bad 

Jacinta has taken a great interest in writing. She is asking which words are which on pages in the books we read. She has been asking us to write words on cards for her for a while now, but just this week she began trying to write words (besides her name) on her own. This afternoon she asked me how to write “from.” I showed her and she copied it. I didn’t make a big deal about it, just followed her lead. This evening she made a card for me and without her paper as a reference, wrote the word “From” without asking for help. This is only shocking to me because we haven’t ever sat down and written out the alphabet or drilled anything in. We figure she’ll have many years ahead doing that kind of learning and that now is a time for creative play. But she seems to be asking for it. Tuesday was the first day she woke up supercharged for preschool, packing her own bags and suggesting that I make a quick lunch so she wouldn’t be late. What a change.

I took the girls to town on Monday, just to get out of the house. We walked across the Macksville bridge to a tiny park on the river to play. There were at least five pelicans stalking the fishing boats at all times and boats passing by. It was a tiny play structure, with “a double slide!” There were no swings or anything extra, a perfect place for creative play and for the girls to actually play together. Typically I don’t personally enjoy “play structures,” I’d rather have the girls climb trees and build houses out of sticks, but this simple one was just perfect on a day when I was sick and had no energy but to watch and smile. Genevieve had a major break that day, she wore her hat for three minutes! Jacinta and I have been telling her for weeks that, “Big girls wear hats.” She finally got sucked in and put it on, saying, “I big girl.” Jacinta and I were astonished, I even got goose bumps. Jacinta followed up the big girl display by going into the fruit shop while I stood outside with the pram and bought a bag of tomatoes all by her self.

Both girls are growing by leaps and bounds, as children do. Genevieve’s vocabulary is exploding. The other day we were down in the shed and she pointed at the bike and and said, “bike! up!” I didn’t want to take her up the hill, but she persisted. She had never said the word before, but remembered the few times months ago I had taken her. I recall her crying during the ride, strange that she remembers it and actually wants to endure it again. Matt and Jacinta happened to be trotting down the hill for a walk. So Evie and I took the bike down the gravel road to the neighbors and followed along to throw pebbles off the bridge. One of Evie’s favorite words is “gitta” (glitter pens), something she heartily covets of Jacinta’s. Jacinta makes beautiful pictures with these pens by making a colorful goopy design on one half of the page, then folding it over to print it onto the other half. She often ends up with some amazing picture looking like a butterfly. She does a lot of these with Keith and has learned how to look at it and name everything. She sees emus, snakes, ponds, butterflies, and dancing people in her pictures. Genevieve gets in on it when Keith has the extra hands to help her, but mostly they are off limits, sparkly and thus, Evie’s favorite thing.

Matt is still working hard on the book, just putting on the final touches. This week was the week to put in orders, so it has been exciting for him to see the fruits of his labor and just how many people want copies of the book. It is still not finished, but that didn’t stop him from taking the weekend off to take Jacinta down to Sydney to see the “Swans,” his favorite football team. They were both looking forward to a weekend together, especially meeting up with his dad and sisters and newest nephew. The girls and I even made gingerbread footballs for the occasion.

Jacinta likes the idea of “the footy” because Matt loves it, but really football is not that interesting. The pre-game activities were exciting: the long drive, taking a bus to the stadium, playing outside with her cousins, listening to a band and dancing, kicking the ball around with her Pa and cousin Ben and eating hot chips and her first hot dog for dinner. Upon return, she told me about the lights and how many there were and that, “we sat separate from Ben and Nick (cousins).” This left her to bounce back and forth between Matt and Aunt Allison’s lap, play with her new Swanee bear and gaze up at the lights. Her favorite part of the game was watching the black and white pom poms (the opposing team’s colors). Although she doesn’t care about the football or that Matt’s team was beat once again by their arch rivals, she had a lovely trip, as did Matt. Tonight she could not sleep so she came out and drew pictures at the kitchen table. She drew a picture of she and her cousins all holding hands. Little two month old Nick had a frown on his face. I asked her why and she said she didn’t know. But later she said she was having nightmares. I wonder what is in her nightmares: maybe animals eating each other, Genevieve biting her or pulling her hair, perhaps being sent to her room or getting in a fight with her friend Lilly. It’s so sad to imagine your child’s nightmares. All you can do is comfort them when they need it.

I wonder if babies have nightmares, if so, what about? Genevieve has gotten her first molar, and cries out in the night almost every hour for the pain in her mouth. Well, at least I think this is the reason. She hasn’t had any breast milk for over a week now, so she is fully weaned. She eats a lot now, her diapers attest to that. She naps once a day for about an hour around noon or 1pm. Amazing! A schedule! That hour is nice for both Jacinta and I, whether we work on something together or just enjoy our silence.

While doing the dishes once this week I remembered Thich Nat Hanh’s advice on being mindful in all activities and focusing on the task at hand. He says, “Cut carrots.” By that he means, “If you are going to cut carrots, hold them, look at them, think about them, enjoy the task every step of the way rather than thinking about the last thing you did or the next thing you must do once you finish with the carrots. I tried it with the dishes, and honestly enjoyed myself and felt peaceful throughout the task. It was a good lesson to remember at a slightly busy and stressful stage in life. It will take a lot of work to actually take on that practice. It seems impossible with two children, but they say it is possible and makes life easier. Worth a try, aye?

I seem to go in and out of running away from home, thinking that our days will be saner if I take the girls out. I come up with a new plan once in a while to stay at home and do projects together. The routines that I invent come and go, either because it’s hard for Jacinta to like anything that I ordain must be done outside, because it’s too hard to coordinate both girls’ needs, energy and whims, because they would just rather be with their Pop or because I move onto a new plan.

This weekend while Matt and Jess were gone, Evie and I had a “holiday” at my friends’ houses. It was nice to focus my energy on little Evie for a while and to have a days break from answering Jacinta’s many questions. Trish cooked us lunch and walked us around her quaint little backyard garden and Evie jumped on the trampoline. Next we drove away from the ocean in Stuart’s Point to cattle country in Taylor’s Arm. Just the beautiful, silent drive was enough to reenergize me, let alone hanging out with a few of my best friends. We had a lovely dinner and watched the somewhat quiet babies play. Once they went to sleep we made soap. You may burn your hands a bit with the lye, but it’s worth it. We worked late, and eventually I joined Genevieve in her slumber. This morning we roamed around their garden, and I was re-inspired to try involving the girls in our garden again. I left shortly after with the intention of returning home and starting right away with Genevieve.

En route, my baby fell asleep. She never sleeps after being picked out of her car seat, so I acted fast and found a beautiful cliff overlooking the Taylor’s Arm River. I stopped on the side of the road and let her sleep and got out to look at the river. I perched myself just behind a massive gum tree and stared down at the water. It was so far down I could not see any movement so I looked up for the birds. I was so high, the birds were flying below me. I sat in that amazing place, listened and imagined my garden. So here’s my next plan: focus on making it fun for the kids regardless of growing anything edible. So tomorrow we begin: playing in French while we make a few little twig hiding houses. Matt wants to help the girls and I upon return from America build a sandpit and hang a big wooden swing from the tree. He’s really looking forward to getting out of the house to do projects with the girls and I again, once the book is finished. Of course we are excited too. Plans, plans, plans: so much for living in the moment.

So here’s to another attempt at doing projects outside with my girls and here’s to living in the moment. I hope you are all content and enjoying the moment.

Peace,
Shana