126 unexpected raspberries

Good evening loved ones. It is Earth Hour, we have just learned. We hear that all over the world people are turning off their lights for one hour. It is a nice idea, certainly given that a lack of power tends to bring people together, not to mention the savings in energy. But given the parameters: lights only, Matt will point out that you can very well sit alone on your computer (like me) or at your television in the dark, which may use more power than your lights. I remember a few occasions without power in Senegal, Honduras, and camping in the US as some of the best times I’ve had. Most recently I recall the three day power outage in the US when the neighbours stayed out of doors, children playing, adults chatting, drinking and barbequing all of the meat in their freezer to share around. What a drastic change from the lonely glow of the TV or computer in each house on the block you see while taking an evening stroll. Don’t get me wrong, I love the benefits that electricity provides. It is a funny thought though, perhaps disturbing to contemplate the implications of having a set hour, one hour once a year, that we actually adjust our actions out of respect for the Earth. After Matt’s initial scoffing, we came to the conclusion that Earth Hour could be even better if it was a weekly engagement and if it included turning off most appliances.

I’m not as much of a fanaticized luddite as I have been in the past, but it seems that if anything we are surely increasing our need for electricity, and not searching very hard for ways to save energy. Computers are quickly moving into so many cracks and crevices of life that we are forgetting how to do things manually. I won’t point out the obvious because we all see it. It’s hard to miss, even for those who have escaped the big city. Today at dance, there were two contented children sitting in the waiting room while their little sister danced. They each had some electronic device that at first glance looked like a video game. Of course, my initial evil judgemental thoughts were, “My God, can you not survive being out of the house for one hour without audiovisual entertainment?” (I realize that I am a quick nasty judge, I’m working on it). As I watched more closely I realized that they were writing on something like a children’s Blackberry. They were playing writing games. educational, yes. But ahhhhhh! Pens, pencils, paper? Are they becoming outdated? I know I sound like an old fogey idealizing the past, but honestly. We are taking a lot of simple activities and turning them into petroleum or coal guzzling rectangles made of plastic which often need be repaired or replaced at great cost. It’s scary to see children so young with such unimaginative and expensive toys, knowing that in a few years we will begin dealing with major peer pressure. I am sitting at one of these lovely rectangles right now though, appreciating its efficiency. Luckily I am aware of my own hypocrisy. I just wonder how far we will go with the computerization of everything before we act upon our doubts and refuse the superiority of the next gadget, not for lack of money but for love of doing certain things by hand.

I’m sure you’ve noticed that’s one of my current life themes: doing things by hand. I spend much of my time knitting, growing food, cooking the long, slow way, hanging out laundry, making music, and so on. It takes time though, indeed. Sometimes I complain about not getting enough sleep or not being relaxed enough to stop and play much with the girls. But really, these are choices I make. I could do things differently and have more time, thus any complaining is bogus. This week I finished knitting a funny ladybug creation for my niece to come (next week maybe)! I chuckled at its strangeness and imagined my niece one day referring to me as “that strange Aunt Shana who knits me weird toys instead of buying me things I like.” But it felt good packing love into every stitch, and touching something that was originally just in my head. I’ll rethink things when our young children start getting pickier. For now, every weird knitting creation I come up with, Jacinta excitedly asks, “Mum will you make me one of those too, exactly the same???” Give her a few years and she’ll start to question how cool I really am...oh well.

Jacinta watches her friends very closely, Lilly especially. Lilly is a spritely, adventurous, little girl who loves attention, but doesn’t mind negative attention. She is constantly testing, doesn’t obey rules, and does not mind being punished. For her no punishment is bad enough to outweigh the fun she’ll get out of doing what she pleases. Jacinta obeys rules, but also has a strong will. She and Lilly spend at least three days a week together and have great battles of wills. They are constantly trying to outdo each other. This is where Jess has learned the superlative, “I am the biggest girl in the world!” Unfortunately Lilly has learned to hit, and knows how to push and easily injured Jacinta’s buttons. Even so, Lilly is a mystery to Jacinta. Jacinta stands in front of the mirror and practices speaking in Lilly’s voice, although she’d never admit it. I’m sure she contemplates how Lilly manages to get away with so much and how she might learn to do the same. She is just baffled when she tries to imitate Lilly and it doesn’t work out as planned. Jacinta’s problem (and my luck) is that she is a born pleaser and can’t survive without admiration. I watched her today upon arrival at dance class as she joined the group of girls. She immediately chummed up, giggled and ran around with all of them, although she didn’t really know any of them, smiling from ear to ear from the thrill of being together. Jacinta loves company, don’t we all?

Even so, Jacinta actually wanted to spend time on her own today, with her dolls. She spent over an hour in her bedroom, mainly to keep her dolls out of Genevieve’s reach. She gets very frustrated by Evie’s attempts to touch everything she herself is touching. Afterwards she informed us that she had just taken her dolly Jilliann to preschool for the first time, but that Jilliann was having rest time at the moment. We were so proud. She has also learned to throw a ball to herself, and is very proud. She is also proud of her bellybutton and…well, “Look at how big my boobs are!” she exclaimed.

Jacinta never fails to make us laugh. Immediately following her bath tonight, she ran onto the veranda nude to see what Matt was doing. Putty! She wanted to join in. Who can say they’ve puttied in the nude? Not I, not Matt. Our children may be freer than we are, or maybe…they’ll grow up and keep their clothes on! We were at the fruit shop the other day. Jacinta whispered to me, “Mommy, that man out there, he’s even balder than daddy!” I quietly marvelled (mostly at her ability to whisper) and then he walked in. “There he is mommy!” My mom always tells me of the time I was in supermarket as a little tiny girl and loudly asked “Why is that lady so fat?” It seems that some learn to keep certain thoughts to ourselves as we age, and others never learn.

Genevieve is at an age where every bone in her tiny body tells her to share her thoughts, and also demand a response so she knows we are all on the same page. Ever since Matt removed the futon from the lounge room and turned it into a bed frame for our bedroom, Evie wakes up each morning and crawls straight up to our window. Inevitably, the brown cow who comes every morning to wait for Keith to feed it molasses is there. She calls out “BOOO” until we “booo” with her and look at the cow. When the phone rings, she’ll stop whatever she is doing to try and have a turn on the phone. She’ll turn anything into a phone. When she gets a hold of the real phone she has a good chat, saying “Hello” over and over in this sweet high pitched voice and cradles the phone on her shoulder as I do. She wrestles you down if you attempt to take the phone away, crying once you have succeeded.

Yesterday Evie figured out how to blow zerbets on my leg and laughed herself silly. Jacinta joined in, taking the left leg and also laughing herself silly. This week I took note of how sure of herself Evie is. It’s a baby thing, perhaps before they learn to speak. As far as they know, they know everything. They have no doubts, they do what they can do and celebrate their abilities. Evie pulls clothes pegs off the line, dropping the clothes and the peg in the basket with a big smile on her face. Today she happened to be near her potty when she needed to poo and sat down. She actually pooped in her potty! She had her foot in the bowl too, but no matter. She was so proud of herself that she just stood there in awe, pulling the toilet paper out of the bowl to have a better look at what she had just done. She didn’t regret the fact that there was poo on her foot. She does relent that she is not big enough to reach certain things and that there are so many, “No no’s.” She knows the word now. She hunts them down, those darn “no no’s,” with a look of gravity saying in a low grumbly voice, “No no,” while touching the very thing she is not meant to touch. The nightlight and everything on Jacinta’s desk are greatly coveted. When Evie succeeds in reaching these things, she feels nothing but beautiful baby pride, and prances around in defiance. If only we could all be that sure of ourselves.

Matt taught a few days this week in addition to a six hour long interview complete with role playing for a position in social services. It was an intense interview including a written test, but he enjoyed the challenge. It will be over a month before he knows the results of his most recent interview. Unfortunately the other two hopeful jobs were filled, and made this a harder week than most. I can’t imagine owning the responsibility to support four humans. Matt continued work on his book, digging for inspiration amongst essays, poetry and artwork. Luckily he has something beautiful, positive and creative to do (besides fathering) while continuing the soul wrenching search for meaningful employment in a rough economy.

Although I grow tired of cleaning, I give thanks that my job is here at home with the girls. They wear me out, energize and enlighten me. The other day it rained and I smelled autumn for the first time: damp, fermenting eucalyptus leaves. Keith and I planted three rows of potatoes while the girls enjoyed themselves in the sprinkler down in the orchard garden. Another day Keith took the girls out to buy chicken feed at a farm leaving me alone in the garden. I cleared out dying kidney bean plants, discovered potato plants to mulch, weeded, discovered edible carrots, and found a few pea sprouts and another garlic sprout. It was quiet and lovely. I rode Genevieve into town another day on the bike and finished off my immigration to-ing and fro-ing. I pushed the girls into town in spite of dark clouds pregnant with rain. As usual, my naïve optimism prevailed. We made it to the shops before the heavy downpour, complete with thunder. We happened to find three bright red wild raspberries en route.

We can hope for unexpected wild raspberries, babies to make us “moo” with them, shelter from the rain and meaningful employment. I wish you all of these things too.

Peace,
Shana

We'll cook up a roosta when I get bigga

Happy Easter and Happy thoughts of potential spring  I hear Milwaukee got sixteen more inches of snow for Easter, my oh my. In my 26 years of life in the US Easter always meant spring, buds on the trees, the returning smell of wet soil. It may still have been cold, but there were usually signs of new life. From what Lecia and Ben have described, those signs have yet to arrive in Wisconsin. Thinking of my sister stuck in everlasting winter, I taught Jacinta and her friend Lilly how to roll snow into a snowman, pack a snowball and have a snowball fight the other day. We used air as snow, so no one got hurt  They were surprisingly entertained and carried on in the “snow” for quite a while. I was impressed when they decided to roll up the white woolly rugs and turn them into snowmen. Jacinta keeps asking when we will see snow again, poor deprived Aussie kid. I don’t explain the price of airplane tickets to the US, I just say, “hopefully soon!” I’m sure you are all ready for a new season to arrive.

It is time for a seasonal change here too, it is autumn’s turn to light our days. It is my third autumn here, and I am finally starting to recognize some signs. Autumn is much more discreet in Australia, the color show and loss of leaves is spread out over time. Some trees change colors and drop their leaves all at their own pace, others just stay the same. Now that I have learned which trees in my orchard are meant to lose their leaves, I can appreciate the plum, apple, pear and nectarine trees dropping their leaves.
For a few years I worried that I had killed them with neglect. I am learning.

The change of seasons surely is less extreme here, I miss the extremities though. I could smell fall coming at the end of the summer in the US. I’m sure others can smell the coming of autumn here, but my nose is not so keen. There is nothing drastic, but summer plants slow down, stop producing fruit. Eventually they will go limp, brown and die, but very slowly. I had this extraordinary sunflower “tree” with over 50 blooms on one root system. All ten feet of its mammoth stalk has finally dried up leaving all of the small flowers dead after months of cheerful blooming. It took a shovel, a mattock and about ten minutes to dig it up. This is autumn I suppose. Summer’s tomato plants have all stopped fruiting, but new seedlings have come up and are already producing green tomatoes. Watching old tomato plants is amazing. As the originally productive vines die off, they make way for the smaller shoots to come into production. The cucumber vines that I have not destroyed are going strong, but I have given up dragging them up to the house. I’m lining them up on top of the garden shed just to see what happens, how long they last, and if rodents destroy them. Otherwise Jacinta paints them, we throw them for fun or stomp on them. Jacinta and her friends have taken to carving cucumbers with shovels into bowls in the cubby house.

We can also see autumn in the color of the flowers. The other day Jacinta said, “Mommy, it must be purple flower season.” Another reminder of autumn is the aphids on all of our citrus trees. They are one sign of autumn I could do without. Last winter they successfully destroyed a few trees, even with all of Keith’s hard work spraying while we were in the US. I finally found time to spray the trees this week, using pyrethrum spray. It’s amazing to me that a spray made from pyrethrum flowers can kill pests on contact. I am killing, otherwise the aphids would kill off our efforts to produce our own fruit. One fun thing about spraying was looking so closely amongst the leaves, inevitably finding developing fruit and tiny green tree frogs hopping from leaf to leaf. If I look closely in the soil, it looks as if my recent seed plantings have been partly successful: carrots, spinach, and peas. One out of eighty garlic cloves have sprouted out of the soil…obviously there is a slight problem. There is always another lesson to learn.

One good lesson learned this week is this: the messier the house, the simpler the meals, the happier the children. Why? When I pointlessly attempt to clean up messes all day long, I never get anywhere and the girls are wishing I’d just play with them. In their patience, they make more messes. The answer seems to be simple: learn to sit and be peaceful in the middle of a mess and leave the house often. The cubby house is perfect to get away from the mess without necessitating a drive. Don’t worry, I’m not promoting living in a dirty rotten mess, just not letting clutter eat into my spirit. The girls’ happiness is not compromised by toy clutter. When I look back at the past week and think about our general well being (besides colds and chicken pox) Jacinta was happier, more carefree and agreeable than normal. I was more at peace, less frustrated, but aware of the messiness of everything. Genevieve was her usual curious, determined self.

Genevieve has taken climbing to new heights. She climbed onto a kitchen chair, then straight up onto the kitchen table. Nothing is sacred now. She crawls up onto Jacinta’s desk regularly now, this week though she fell off for the first time. She climbs onto the outdoor bench to try and see me in the kitchen window. She used to climb up a children’s wooden lawn chair to tear pictures down off the walls. Now the pictures have gotten higher so she tries standing on the arms of the chair. It’s all about getting what she “needs.” Combining her love for the outdoors and climbing skills, Evie climbed a file box to get up onto my bedside table. She then climbed onto the window sill and pushed out the screen in our bedroom window. I was nearby cleaning, chuckling until she got to the window sill. Usually she just wants to look out the window at cows and ducks, excitedly saying , “Boooo” and “Uck!” This time she wanted out. This time convinced us that she can not be left alone. Easier said than done, we’ll just see how that goes.

Given Jacinta’s chicken pox, you’d think we’d be going stir crazy by now. But Jacinta had a very mild case and was no longer contagious by Thursday, lucky because it was playgroup. It was also the “Easter Parade,” where all of the elementary age children march from the school to the main street in their Easter bonnets (funny hats they make at home) smiling and calling out Happy Easter. Both girls loved the fanfare and the chocolate eggs some of the girls were giving out. Tuesday we spent a few hours at the beach while Matt went to Coffs for an interview. Wednesday the girls came with me to Coffs Harbour (biggest city nearby) to take care of more immigration medical hoopla. The major problem is that I didn’t read all of the detail on the form, so I’ve ended up backtracking quite a bit. We had Thai food for lunch, and later spent a few hours at the jetty looking at the boats, watching the waves crash onto the rocks, watching fish feast in a small coral reef, and had ice cream. It was nice to be out, and not fear passing our germs onto unsuspecting children. Friday we spent with friends: splitting up bulk food for the food co-op. Later on, Jacinta’s friend Rory came to play and brought some great boyish energy into our midst. We played football and soccer, then he actually impressed Jacinta with a few creative cooking ideas in her outdoor kitchen. She’s usually so busy showing everyone else what to do, she has a hard time using other people’s ideas. Hmmm….where might she have learned such a thing???

The almost full moon has just risen above the tree line, lighting up the sky. The temperature is cooler now, the days are mild and have been slightly breezy, but still very warm. Jacinta has to wear “footie jammies” because she can’t keep her blankets on at night. Saturday night she wanted to wear shorts and a Tshirt to bed and promised she’d stay under her blankets. I laughed with her telling her that it’d be impossible to do that. So she asked, “Mommy, will you cover me up over and over all night long?” Rather than being overly practical and shooting down her ideas, I’m starting to be a little more agreeable with her also!

Matt and Keith did some work cleaning up around the chicken pen, cutting down massive vines and weedy trees. They stacked and dried out loads of firewood in preparation for winter. They also mulched to get rid of the refuse. I was hoping they’d finish the chicken shed, but there are still other things more important than eggs, they think. The chicks that were babied for a long while have turned out to be two roosters and one hen. Bummer. Now we have three identical crowing fighting roosters and one or two hens who don’t lay eggs at large, sleeping in trees. A few days ago Jacinta asked, “Why don’t we eat our roosters like Lilly and Aidan?” I told her we could and she quickly replied, “No…I want them to wake us up!” After a little discussion, she convinced herself that, “We’ll cook up a rooster when I get bigga.” These are small roosters, it will be a small meal for a “big girl.” The golden hen that hatched five chicks last week has lost all but one of them to mites, not foxes. I told Jacinta that Easter was about new life. Good thing she didn’t point out the contradiction when they died on Easter. I guess things must die to make way for new life, but cute fluffy chicks are hard to lose any day.

Genevieve and I went for a good hike around the dam on Easter morning, she lives to be taken outside. Matt takes her out each morning now to see the cows and ducks. He says she has almost patted a brown cow on the head a few times. We had Matt’s sister here for Easter and Keith and Mary were home too so it was a busy weekend. On Easter Sunday we went for a nice lunch at the beach. Jacinta rode her squeaky wheeled tricycle up and down the boardwalk. We also had a swim and Jacinta had a new beginning in the waves, she loved them!!! After a few years of real fear, she said, “Let go of my hand, I want to swim in this wave.”

In addition to cow gazing and working outside, Matt has been working on his book and preparing himself for interviews. He still has another interview. Wish him luck. We’ve been playing Yahtzee lately and in the past, he needed luck. But this week he beat me, no luck needed now. He played a lot of Scrabble this weekend and proved he really is a word man, over and over. Jacinta likes to sit on his lap, learn and touch the letters. Our friends Anissa and Craig brought their three children over for a barbeque and a “late night” as Jacinta calls it. We had a great time, the kids finishing the night off with Finding Nemo. Genevieve was particularly wakeful that night, she just could not stand to miss out on any fun, so she stayed up til about 10:30, crazy child. I felt like we were 20 again having our friends stay past midnight.

The girls and I took Allison back to the airport today. Matt had taken them to find her on Saturday. They love going to watch the airplanes, to see all the people, to play around in the big open space, to jump from one shiny square to the next, and to check out the fish painted on the walls. We did some sightseeing following our goodbyes, explored a lookout onto the ocean, and ended up in a nice little park. It’s rough living in a tourist destination  I guess living here is great, working would be the issue. We’ll find a way. Send us some luck and we’ll try and send you some warmth.

Love,
Shana

Bumps, Bruises, bites and chicken pox

Good evening loved ones  You’d think from the title that it had been a rough week, but really, it hasn’t. After a few years of luckless job applications, Matt was called for three job interviews. His spirits are high, not in expectation but in hopes that things are about to change. I had a chance to garden, enjoy cooking in peace, relish our new stereo, learn to crochet and devote all of my attention to the girls, a few times at least. We spent a few days among friends and a lot of time out of the house. The weather was beautiful, warm and dry. Jacinta and Genevieve moseyed along in little girl land: playing different games, learning from and about each other, experiencing new things.

It seems to be part of Jacinta’s make-up to fall over a lot and complain about it, but she has taken a few real blows this week. (Matt used to be renowned in Michigan for finding a way to injure himself, I don’t think he complained that much though.) The mosquitoes were a bit rough on Wednesday during French and ate up Jess’s little legs. As we roam the property, Jacinta tends to lag behind in class, often coming up with her own idea for an activity and acting on it. As the teacher, I must move on without her. Otherwise I’d lose control of all of the children. Inevitably, she figures it out after a few moments and in her efforts to catch up, trips, falls and skins her knee. This is the second class now that she has spent fifteen minutes first crying, then sitting and observing class in sorrow. Her friends are still young enough that they don’t mock her for crying over seemingly little bumps and bruises, but they are starting to ignore her whining and move on. It had been a big day though, having been in town for hours before class. For a while she was jumping around happily as we walked from shop to shop. Not paying full attention, she banged into a bench, bruised her hip, then fell over from the pain onto the sidewalk and scraped her knee and bellybutton. This could just be part of being three, growing and learning how to handle her body as it grows, like a puppy growing into its oversized paws. Genevieve doesn’t help much though, for she hardly cries when she falls over, gets stepped on, gets splinters or whacks her head.

Forget the bumps and bruises, those “mosquito bites” ended up taking the cake. Jacinta is tough in her own way. Usually her bites don’t bother her, but this time they were particularly itchy. Matt wondered on Thursday whether they could be chicken pox. All-knowing me said, “No, I saw those mosquitoes biting her in French class, I kept slapping them because I forgot to put spray on.” So I took her to play group, even to the pool on Friday, never giving the chicken pox another thought. Friday night Mary came home and inquired about Jacinta’s bumps. Yep, chicken pox and I exposed her to loads of children at her most contagious phase. Oops. Now it all makes sense. Not that Matt lives to tell me, “I told you so,” but he has just earned the opportunity as all of our friends have scored the opportunity to contract the chicken pox. Jacinta didn’t show any signs of the pox coming on, but she is intensely itchy now. She tries very hard not to scratch the pox. It’s amazing what the power of suggestion has on this girl. If someone told me not to scratch something that terribly itchy and I was three, I’d keep on scratching. She stops and waits for lotion. We had to skip dance class today. “Can’t I just go to dance and sit and watch with you Genevieve?” It felt so wrong explaining the spread of disease to a little girl. Instead, Jacinta taught Evie, Keith and I dance class outside on the veranda. We wore mismatched shoes and did our hair, Jacinta with four buns and 16 clips in her hair, and had “funky dance” class.

Knowing what we know now, we shouldn’t have gone out as much this week. Even so, I think getting out of the house more made our times at home more energetic. We all went to choir again, Matt strolling home with Jacinta after a short while. Jacinta loves her “daddy night.” She proudly recounted how she went to sleep, “on the couch listening to pretty music with daddy.” Monday afternoon I took the girls to the river beach park when the tide was out. The sun’s intensity had gone, the tide pools were full and made warm little bathtubs for Evie. The water does wonders for my spirit. Surely I am biased, but I believe it clears a lot up for the girls too, not to mention the salt on all of their bites, cuts and scrapes. Today we met up with some friends at the beach who have given up thinking they can avoid the chicken pox. I am just grateful they’ll spend time with us. Being shut in until the girls have gotten over the chicken pox sounds hard, but we do always find fun things to do here, especially with Keith’s help and energy.

The girls often track Keith down to play a few times a day, especially if I am doing something seemingly uninteresting, like dishes or talking on the phone. If he is able, he’ll stop whatever he’s doing or turn it into a game, usually with a cup of tea in hand. This week he taught Jacinta how to blow out an ostrich egg, which he will eventually paint. He used to paint emu eggs, but it’s now illegal to take them from emus, not to mention there aren’t many wild emus roaming here. There is an ostrich on a nearby farm though, I can’t tell you why. The girls and I felted another mushroom outside in the cubby house, pink this time. Keith helped us finish up so we could prepare three kilograms of apples to be dried in the dehydrator, also entertaining Genevieve when she needed help. The five new chicks needed some finely ground seed, so Keith got out his old steel mill and we ground up a bunch of seed together. Jacinta and I called out commands in French all the while, Genevieve tried to tip it all over. Matt and Keith cut down some vines and trees for the new chook pen while the girls and I watched from the cubby house. Activities which most of us would deem impossible with two tiny girls are no trouble at all for Keith, somehow. Today he took them both out to bury a dead bird, to give it a proper goodbye and a flower to lie beside. We are pretty lucky.

Tuesday was a good day for planting leafy annuals and also Jacinta’s pre-school day. I left her drawing at 9am, with no tears and went home to rock sweet Genevieve to sleep, in silence. I assumed she’d keep up the pattern and sleep two hours, but that was my mistake. Keith kept her busy for a long while as I enjoyed the morning in the garden. I planted broccoli, red cabbage, three types of spinach, two types of lettuce, purslane, celery and some mystery seeds. I had prepared the beds over the weekend. But after reading up on what extra nutrients were needed, I used my peaceful morning to do it right this time. My carrots and beets have been terrible and this is a tell tale sign (I have just learned) of a phosphorus deficiency. This can be solved by adding wood ash to the soil, easily done. I had already added some chicken manure, blood and bone and lime. Because my girls were both in good hands, I had the brain and the time to act on this new wisdom. I did everything in my power to make these good veggies and it was fun, not at all exhausting or stressful. With Matt’s help, I have kept the seeds watered since. So if they don’t work out, I’ll have to go back to square one.

Square two might be where my citizenship status stands, in becoming a dual American-Australian citizen. This week I had a few medical tests done, blood work and a chest x-ray, both with my cooperative little girls in tow. They really were! I am always pleasantly surprised when I pull them into potentially difficult situations and expect the best. A few of our Australian friends question their government’s right to mandate an HIV test for new citizens. Given how much the government has already given me in medical services when I am not even a citizen, I am quite happy to jump through their hoops in order to guarantee these privileges for the rest of my stay in Australia. The people working in these institutions seem to treat people with more respect than many people working for governmental institutions like the INS, Social Security, and the Secretary of State in the USA.

I talk up the generosity of Australia’s social system because I come from a place where handouts are scarce. I tend to demonize the USA for its weak fight against poverty, but I have not seen enough in my short life to offer many alternatives. I thought I had a few answers. I have now learned of the failures of a generous government, whose handouts are plentiful and not always well spent. I had heard of Aboriginal communities whose quality of life was terribly low. Trying not to be racist, I turn a blind eye to what we sometimes see in Macksville on Thursdays when weekly government checks arrive: a lot of people buying alcohol, some of whom happen to be aboriginal people. Trying not to be racist, I have picked up aboriginal women in need of a ride somewhere and tried not to notice the alcohol in their bags and on their breath. Keith comes from different country, Kamillaroy country. He is not a local, not one of the Gumbayngir people. He is proud and works harder than anyone I’ve met, and saddened by the actions of some aboriginal people. This doesn’t keep him from picking up a drunk man and driving him home, just to show kindness. Tonight I read an article that shocked me, turned my body cold in helplessness.

Aurukun is a largely aboriginal city, home to the Wik people, with a proud history of fighting off the white man. Today it is known for housing great aboriginal artists and dancers, also for being one of the most depressing communities around with unbelievable crime, sexual abuse, violence, alcoholism, and lack of education. The article was written in response to the nation’s apology to the Stolen Generation. The author responded to the apology saying that it meant nothing to the Wik people, who haven’t mixed much with white people. Things have gotten so bad in this area, fuelled by government handouts providing cash for alcoholism, that children are lucky to have a sober grandparent, surely not a chance of having a sober parent. Many children see juvenile detention as a right of passage, and a great way to get three good meals, a warm bed and a good education. Once back home they entertain themselves with crime, vandalism is one of the best games. The parents are not parenting, because their parents were out drinking, gambling, stealing cars and fighting. I won’t rehash the horrors of the six page article. What shocked me most was to hear some of the elders of the Wik people propose that all children be Removed from this area for their education and their safety. They want to send them to boarding schools and to adults who can actually teach them something positive. Removal again, this time it seems reasonable. When we can no longer pass on any lessons of value to our children, who will teach them? But this would be what the white people who originally started the Removal Policy thought, that what the aboriginal parents were teaching was of no value. This is an overwhelming dilemma for the moment, surely more overwhelming for the people of Aurukun than me. We can only wish them strength and peace in the struggle and wisdom to the government in aiding in what ever way they can.

There is no easy way to transition back to my simple life, but I must, because it is my reality. It does no good focusing so heartily on someone else’s reality upon which I have no effect at this point in life. Of course it sounds trivial, but I was having “problems” knitting a circle, so I learned to crochet this week. My friends Sara and Trish taught me. I am trying to make a ladybug toy for sister’s baby who is due next month. I read an article about fussy eating in pre-schoolers and found new energy for working with Jacinta on stubbornness. Eat it or don’t, no guilt trips, “It’s in the fridge if you get hungry.” Things are going better now that I have dropped the battle of wills and turned it into her choice. Matt was always really good at that in working with the youth at the church, and tried to help me in my teaching back in Michigan. I guess you forget things when you have your own children. Genevieve is communicating more now, she is so funny. If she piddles on the floor in between diaper changes, she’ll come and find us, point and say, “oook!” Sometimes she’ll puts on new clothes or a hat and go straight in to show Matt, as if that is the only response. She climbed up on the desk for the first time today, but she was trying to be sneaky so she didn’t call out, “ook!”

I started playing a new French circle game with Jacinta last week and Genevieve caught on too. It is a song about a little bear in hibernation. After we sing and skip around the sleeping bear, we count “un, deux, trois!” The bear then says, “Je sors!” and chases the singers or it says, “Je dors,” and continues sleeping. Jacinta loves it, we play over and over. Today she sang it on her own for the first time, with all of the right words. When Genevieve hears the song now, she waits until we count and then runs away screaming as if she is the bear. These girls warm my heart when it freezes. Matt’s hopeful smile warms me up too, after getting a job interview following a few years of that unemployable feeling.

Hope you’re all well. Try and send some hopeful vibes to some place in need, to someone in need. My mom broke her tailbone on the ice. My step dad is slowly recovering from a slight stroke. My step brother is having troubles with his speech. My sister is about to have a baby, and I am so very far away. So I’ll try and send some hopeful vibes their way and out to Aurukun.

Peace,
Shana

The light in a smile

Hello there. The stars are spectacular this evening, the new moon arrived just the other night. Matt often finishes the night outside with the stars, but I don’t usually remember to do so before I crash into bed. Tonight I mulched just as darkness took over the day and watered the young seedlings under the bright stars. It sounds picturesque, but I would rather do it in daylight. Genevieve usually holds on until daylight has disappeared. I had the chance to garden alone this morning though. Matt took the girls out for a stroll on the boardwalk while I prepared garden beds for planting leafy annuals next week. It’s hard to stay on task when I see hundreds of other little tasks that need doing, but I did get a few spaces clear for winter planting. I can’t wait to have broccoli and spinach in the garden again. The seeds that I plant now will be ready to eat by the time my sister and her family arrive, a beautiful thought.

I spent a few hours cooking the other night while listening to a podcast of NPR’s Speaking of Faith. This is a show Matt and I loved hearing on Sunday mornings before church when we lived in Detroit. The topic was the Inner Landscape of Beauty, and was inspired by the ideas and poetry of John O’Donohue. None of the ideas were new. Making time for meditation and awe are necessary to enjoying life, basic concepts. His poetry hit a chord in me though, making me really contemplate what activities in my life are actually meditation. I don’t sit down and meditate. John spoke of those experiences that take us to a different place, that celestial zone in which, your soul triumphs over your mind and creates an uncontrollable physical response in your body. I then pondered, “I know what moves me to tears, what gives me goose bumps, what connects my soul to my body and REALLY moves me, but I don’t know this about the person with whom I am deeply in love.” So Matt turned off his psychological thriller. We agree on music as one of those, but totally different aspects of music. Harmony does it for me, being a part of perfect harmony, no matter the words. Words are more important to Matt. An amazing melody line on a guitar will also do it for him. Watching children do courageous things was one of Matt’s, whereas watching them do new things does it for me. New life in the garden and waterfalls have this effect on me. It says a lot about who we are and how deeply our admirations flow inside of us.

I wonder what will move our girls. I’m sure they are already deeply moved by certain things. Last night Mary and Keith came home to find a small hen wandering around with five newly hatched chicks. Finding them in the pen this morning surely moved Jacinta. Genevieve stops what she is doing when she hears us singing or dancing. She can’t yet join in, but pure joy overcomes her. At mealtime, we sing a blessing in French while holding hands. Genevieve can hold our hands now and after we have done the blessing once, she will reach out her hands for more. We did it three times in a row at lunch time the other day, just for Genevieve, to bask in the light of her smile. Jacinta loves to make her little sister smile. She is learning to sense Evie’s needs and fulfil them before I do, if she is in a good mood. We were out in the cubby house playing today and Jacinta needed help sweeping so I started with the big broom. Right away Genevieve started complaining, she was tired. Within seconds Jacinta handed Evie her little broom and she was happy again, doing what the “big people” do.

Lately Genevieve seems to want only the things she can not have like crayons, pens, pencils, ink pads, scissors, paints, beads, toilet paper, eggs, Jacinta’s art work, etc. Of course Jacinta enjoys taking things from Evie, playing the older sister who has more privileges. Genevieve reacts indignantly as if she is allowed nothing in this world, throwing a tantrum at the injustice. Sometimes Jacinta gets grumpy with Evie waiting like a vulture at the desk in anticipation of a crayon rolling into her reach. She can not always summon the patience required to deal with her little sister. But once in a while, she pulls up her shirt and says, “Look Evie! Belly button!” Genevieve gets a kick out of belly buttons so she digs in and they both smile and forget the frustration.

Genevieve is tuned in to her big sister’s whereabouts. She doesn’t want to miss a thing. This might explain why she took another two hour nap on Tuesday, the last being a week ago on Tuesday, Jacinta’s pre-school day. The rest of the week she survives on one nap a day, lasting less than an hour, waking as soon as either Jacinta or Keith make a sound or let on that fun is being had. This doesn’t say much for Matt and I, does it? Genevieve is sleeping well at night, this week. It fluctuates depending on my middle of the night energy. I suppose she knows her sister is sleeping, so there is nothing to miss. She doesn’t follow Jacinta around like a puppy though. The other night she decided she wanted to go outside while we were reading Jacinta’s bedtime stories. All the sudden we noticed complete silence. Our one year old had silently escaped out the screen door for the first time. Luckily Matt caught her quickly. Needless to say, we’ve come up with a way to lock it. She found a way to fall off the veranda later in the week anyway. She landed well, thankfully. Evie is constantly moving. Even while walking, she does this strange thing with her hands. It’s as if she thinks with her hands: sometimes pointing, rubbing something off, drawing circles with her fingers. Often it seems that she is trying to take off her clothes. Clothes seem to be somewhat of a nuisance for her. Hmmmm… Genevieve is a rough little chick.

Jacinta tells herself she is tough. Sometimes it’s wishful thinking, perhaps a goal to appease me. Little scrapes and bumps still cause major emotional breakdowns. She wants everyone to stop all activity, focus on her and instantly take away the pain. The hard part is that she insists that you don’t touch the injury, or even look at it. Today at the beach, Matt took her out for her first ride on a bike with training wheels. Unfortunately she fell pretty quickly and scraped her knee. As Matt loves making scenes (hee hee), Jacinta screaming in pain and insisting loudly that he couldn’t even LOOK at the scrape made for a great start. So the “bike ride” turned into a nice walk with Genevieve in the pram. To toughen up my big girl, I actually encourage the girls to play rough from time to time. Genevieve can take it and Jacinta needs some practice in getting bumped around and letting it go. I shouldn’t really care if she is tough, but having to cry and fear help for every little bump seems more painful to her than to us. It feels funny encouraging danger, but we all do funny things to try and protect our children from unnecessary anxiety and inevitable ridicule. One landmark this week was Jacinta’s first tearless pre-school day. She kissed me goodbye and had a lovely day. Knowing she is happy brings me great peace.

Although I feel as if I never rest, my week felt good. I found quite a few moments of peace within all of the activity. I have to redo a bunch of immigration crap thanks to my 93 day long trip out of Australia (3 days too long) so off I went to the police station for fingerprinting with the girls in toe. I thought they’d enjoy seeing a police station. No doubt, they did. I didn’t explain what the little lock up booth in the room was or who usually had their fingerprints taken at the Macksville Police Station. The police man was really nice. Unfortunately he spelled my name wrong and I had to go back and do the whole thing again the next morning. You might wonder where I found peace in this. The second attempt made me leave the house first thing, leaving the girls with Matt for breakfast. Being out of the house, alone, before 8am to drive through the misty hills into a busy town with school children getting on buses and people going to work was quite a thrill. Back when I was a part of that population bustling to get to work or school before 8am, I dreamt of escape. So now, I think it’s a novelty. Besides that, the Macksville Police Station is perhaps the most picturesque place to be locked up, if you were ever to have the choice. They might not give you a window out the front though to gaze out of the flowery courtyard onto the tree lined river bank.

Knitting and felting my first mushroom was peaceful and entertaining. Jacinta enjoyed her first felting experience. Unfortunately she is the only one able to ignore the fact that the finished product looks like a green penis. I don’t know why I am starting another one, a pink one. I am determined to make a non-phallic mushroom. What goals I aspire to. I did not aspire to be the new playgroup coordinator, but alas, on Thursday there were only three of us present at the meeting who were not pregnant. Hopefully I will be a better coordinator than I was treasurer. Playgroup will no longer be as peaceful, I liked floating along with no control. A few weeks ago I started singing with the kids for a few minutes anyway. I had to step up sooner or later.

Matt comes to choir now, to sing with us until Jacinta gets tired or loopy, and then takes her home, both happy for their own reasons. Genevieve is more easily entertained and eventually needs to be put on my back for sleep. So now, I can reach that celestial zone in the harmonies we sing with no distractions. Fiona has given me a couple of really fun leads to sing with the choir backing me up, all in different African languages. Last week she started us on a patriotic Cuban song, thinking of good old Castro finally giving up the reins. It’s funny being the resident “expert” on Spanish, as I really don’t know much, just a few words and basic pronunciation. The harmonies are so different in each language. It would be interesting to do a study on a culture’s harmonies in relation to the social fabric.

Another topic John O’Donohue spoke of was friendship and meditative conversations. He talked about the importance of friendship: getting beyond small talk, having someone with whom you can go deeper and have conversations that you remember later, weeks, months, even years later. I used to spend a lot more time having meditative conversations, before chatty children and discussing discipline. But this week, I found myself with more opportunities for those memorable conversations. I spent an afternoon with a friend and her little boy at the pool. Another friend came for lunch with her little girl and baby boy. Jacinta is learning to play without much guidance, when her friends are here. They may have little battles of will, but more often they create better together. Two or three imaginations put together make a better story. Likewise, two moms together seem to muster more energy for themselves and their four children than one mom can for two children. When the children play well together we don’t spend our time managing them and have time for energizing conversation.

Luckily I woke up with loads of energy Saturday morning because we had a big day. Genevieve woke up with a fever and threw up all over me just a few minutes before dance class. You’d think I’d have changed plans or asked for help from Matt, Keith or Mary, but a sick baby needs a mom and a big sister will hold a grudge if the baby either cancels dance or deprives her of the momma. So Jacinta danced happily with the other little girls, stopping once in a while to zone out and pick at her fingernails. Genevieve had me out of the house, all to herself, relaxed and able to sit, play with her, hold her, nurse her, and rock her to sleep. We spent the rest of the day at two different friends’ houses eating, talking and playing. Genevieve spent the day in our arms, napping, cuddling and playing. Jacinta ran herself ragged, finishing off the day by chasing chickens, jumping on the trampoline, playing hide and seek, burning sparklers, playing with flashlights in the dark and watching a movie. She even had her first “wine dip,” Matt tells me this is normal in Australia. Is that normal in the US? I don’t recall being three and sticking my finger in a wine glass for a taste, but I guess we come from Puritans. Jacinta giggled pretending something in her outdoor kitchen was wine. Hmm… Seems a bit strange to me.

We are strange though. The other day I was grasping for straws again, to excite Jacinta about gardening. Matt had suggested bringing paints down for her, so we did. We decided to do cucumber stamping, and tomato stamping. Jacinta enjoyed it, but the cucumbers were a bit moist to make a clear stamp. We just have so many! We jump on them for fun and see who can throw them the farthest. It seems terrible, but no one else wants them. I made some more pickles this week! Too bad I can’t send them to you all. And too bad you can’t send me some snow.

We are celebrating a new stereo today. To start off our busy Saturday, Matt went to the same organization’s annual garage sale that he bought our last stereo two years ago. As he hoped, he found a new one. This time it was a 6 cd changer and an amplifier for $35. Today he cleaned up our dusty music mess and installed the new system. Anytime he plays with sound, it reminds me of my dad and how excited he got changing around speakers and amplifiers in hopes of louder, better sound. We can listen to cds again and it sounds great. Matt had one day at the school this week, and did a lot of work on the book. He worked on the cellar, some long grass and started the long process of installing a fire place before winter. The hardest part of the process is planning out how and where it can go in our tiny house and that’s where he is at. It means a lot of work, but we’re excited to change around our tiny lounge room. It’s poorly arranged and almost useless because it serves as a walkway between the two houses with a couch on one side and a huge (out of tune) piano on the other.

Matt and Jacinta were talking about the stars the other night. He jokingly told her that a really big number was called a “Jacintillion.” She replied, “Do you want to know the biggest number of all?” Matt did, of course. “Twenty-two,” she proudly stated. The mind of a child is so beautiful.

As always, I wish you awe and beauty in your life. I’d love to know what brings you to that indescribable place of pure mindless, soulful elation. I also wish you spring, I hear winter is dragging on a bit. Take care.

Love,
Shana

Look Who's One!

Just one year ago, on Matt’s 34th birthday, with the help of a few loving souls, I pushed Genevieve Joy out into the world. She was so beautiful, tiny, helpless, purple, sleepy, and slow. She is now one and her daddy is 35. Evie is even more beautiful today, but “big,” determined, no longer purple, wakeful, alert, and very fast. Matt hasn’t changed much, being an adult and all. Looking back at the videos from February 2007 and at the birth video just makes me smile. I loved being pregnant and birthing, it was incredibly empowering. Don’t think this means we want to keep on going, Genevieve and Jacinta will do just fine!

We find many ways to amuse ourselves in our little house overlooking the dam. This week the girls and I had a few fun cooking days mainly baking for the birthday party, but also making bread, granola, and banana ice cream. We spent so much time inside cooking and cleaning that we had to eat our meals outside in the cubby house to get some fresh air. Both girls like to sweep now, but enough is enough. Jacinta doesn’t complain, she loves being inside. Genevieve usually pushes on the screen door to escape, but this time she did a lot of bowl licking. The large wooden bowl we use to make bread is also a perfect fit for her bum, she thinks. I had a good laugh each time I put the bowl down for she and Jacinta to share (licking) and Genevieve would sit right in the middle of the last bits of dough. Jacinta didn’t find it as amusing. Evie has watched me so carefully that she’ll put on the oven mitt and try to open the oven door like I do. It is a bit of a worry though. Having babies around hot stoves is no laughing matter. Evie disagrees. She finds it hilarious each time she touches the hot oven door and I warn her “chaud!” (hot). I suppose she’ll learn someday.

Can you learn how to sleep? Genevieve took an amazing two hour nap on her birthday and I thought, “wow, she has learned to nap!” But of course, it was a fluke. Children learn most things by imitation. Perhaps I should start napping in the day time and let Evie and Jacinta watch me, will they learn? Singing, that’s something Jacinta is surely learning through imitation. I pride myself on not using much vibrato in my singing, yet Jacinta imitating vibrato is telling me that I must sing some for her to pick it up. The other day Jacinta found a new stage: the phone. When she told my dad and Barb about the letters she’d been writing, they asked her if she could sing the ABC’s. Off she went, the ABC’s with vibrato! She sang it twice, then sang Baa Baa Black sheep, and two French songs. This is it! She’s always looking for people to watch her tricks. Now she has found a new way to draw attention and admiration.

Besides needing adults to clap for her, Jacinta also needs love and approval from little people. In dance class, she floated around in a dream world for most of the class. By the end though, she made a friend. I was too busy chasing Genevieve to notice, but Jacinta pranced out afterwards bursting with energy, “I made a friend. Charlotte is my best friend in dance class, we danced together! She’s wearing pink pants.” Now the sadness of Lily’s absence is gone because she has a new friend with pink pants who she danced with for maybe 15 minutes. We did see Lily a few times this week though and the battle of wills has begun. We wondered how long it would take them to start fighting and bang. At playgroup they whacked each other a few times over a battle for space in the sandbox. It ended with Lily saying “I don’t like you anymore.” Oh my, I remember this phrase from childhood. Jacinta cried for fifteen minutes and by then, the sandbox was cleared of children for no one wanted to listen to her bellow. She did not learn to compromise that moment, but did eventually pull herself together enough to go and join the children on the slide. I have needlessly tried to explain what would happen if she failed to compromise when playing with children, trying to protect her from the blow. Throw a kid on the playground for a day and they’ll learn a lot, things that take years to teach at home. This is a tough situation for a pleaser, how to make everyone happy and still get your own way, impossible on the playground.

In their wisdom, children are very good at forgiving and forgetting. Lily and Nickolas came over after playgroup for a few hours. I love taking care of Jacinta’s friends because they keep her busy, active and usually happy. If I didn’t have hundreds of chores to do I would have loved to be a fly on the wall in the girls’ room while they played “Mommies and Daddies.” Playing “House” was one of my favourite games as a girl too, acting out daily life and playing the part of the parents: being in charge! Acting out the naughty child was also fun. Genevieve traipsed in and out of the room, but they didn’t give her a role to play. The only thing I did see was when Jacinta came out of the room with three animals attached to her belly, grunted, plopped them onto the beanbag and said, “I just had my babies!” She scooped them up and went back to the bedroom.

Speaking of babies, our old goat Daisy just had twins, Jack and Jill, on someone else’s farm. The new owners have found her to be just as difficult as we did. Perhaps a few kids will make her happy and less needy for human contact. We liked the idea of having baby goats around, until we thought it all out. Baby goats grow up and turn into big, annoying, destructive pet goats. Animals with no purpose besides company and entertainment are fine, when they don’t eat and destroy more than they are worth. Our 5 chickens are pets I suppose, they don’t give us eggs. The two little roosters are handy clocks, they at least set the illusion that we live on a farm. If I gardened more, it might feel more farmish. I did actually get out and plant some root crops this week though: garlic, beets, carrots, onions and parsnips. Back to animals, the infamous chicken pen is almost ready for chickens, big ones that lay eggs. Jacinta, Keith and I planted some seed in the pen and it actually came up! This will give them something to munch in their little chicken forest, besides garden scraps. The roost and nesting boxes need work, but that’s it. I might start looking for some laying hens to buy.

Genevieve had a lovely first birthday and received many lovely gifts, no chickens though. Toys, clothes and shoes were sent by family near and far, she is a very lucky girl. Jacinta had a lovely time hiding all of the gifts for Matt and Genevieve to find Tuesday morning. She did feel the angst though, the burning question, “How can there be so many presents for Genevieve and daddy and none for me???” The lucky big sister did receive a few gifts, not from us though! We think that giving her a little sister was a big enough gift, of course I won’t tell her that for a while. The girls made cards and bought some tools for Matt. His friends gave him more chocolate than we’ve ever had in the house. Somehow, it’s already gone!

Monday the girls and I cooked and prepared for the party all day, knowing Jacinta would be at preschool on Tuesday. We baked two cakes, chocolate and carrot. We baked bread. Jacinta made surprise bread rolls, hiding dried fruits and nuts inside each bun. We gathered baskets, bowls and balls for Bozo buckets and practiced playing. Genevieve loved putting the baskets on her head, as usual, but also threw a few balls in the baskets. Jacinta was giddy getting ready. Tuesday I cleaned, made salads, roasted vegetables, made crêpes, frosted and decorated the cakes, played and blew up balloons. Our friend Trish who helped out at Evie’s birth came to cook and play before the party. Matt sprayed for mosquitoes, and set up the tent and filled it with balloons for the children. Keith hung streamers and cut pumpkin with me. Mary made fruit platter et voila. We actually finished everything, thanks to everyone’s help. Genevieve and Matt enjoyed the party, joyful to be surrounded by good people, good food and out in the fresh air. Genevieve roamed back and forth between the children in the cubby house cooking and digging and the adults and the food on the veranda. At one point she just laid down on top of a ball out in the grass, pure bliss. No one scooped her up, she was free. She had her first cake, and her first juice. It’s good to be one.

The bliss she seemed to enjoy out in the grass that day equalled her beach bliss. I guess for most of us, it can’t get much better: the sound of the waves, the flow of the air and water, the big sky, the wide open space, the soft sand, and the sun. Jacinta loves the beach just as much. When I get out on the wet sand, I get this funny urge to do cartwheels. I’m thirty now, can I still do gymnastics? I guess my body says it’s ok, but I try not to do it around strangers. Oooh…just wait until the girls are teenagers, it’ll embarrass the heck out of them. We spent Saturday afternoon at Valla beach with Michelle and Rory while Matt drove out to Coffs to shop. In addition to researching stereos, he picked up our second camera replacement. (We’re having bad camera luck, but good warrantees). Soon the weather will be too chilly to spend three hours at the beach with little children. When the wind blows it gets very cold, lips turn blue, but if we dry off and play in dry sand, it’s lovely.

As usual, Matt worked a lot this week. He taught at the high school on Monday and Friday, paid work, yay! Besides this, he completed more job applications, and worked on Originally Blessed. He had a couple of phone interviews, a conference call, and did some editing. His finger is healing from the drill incident, slowly. Regardless, he went back to labouring on the cellar walls this morning. He also made a new movie so check on the website soon. I didn’t realize February had ended, but the new movie reminded me.

I’ll close with a story that might make you laugh. This afternoon we visited some friends we hadn’t seen for a few months. Genevieve got out of the car and took a few wobbly steps. Joking, Matt said, “Genevieve’s had a bit too much to drink.” Jacinta heard this and chimed in, “I drank sooo much last night!” Melina and Justin giggled and inquired, “Really?” Jacinta went on to explain that she drank so much at dinner that she had to wake three times in the night to pee. She told them that “the first wee was so big, it was like an elephant’s!” Wow, wow, wow.

It feels like good energy spent when we marvel at these amazing creatures, little people. I suppose life would be even nicer if we sat down and marvelled more often. I hope you are all well, peaceful and in awe of something.

Take care,
Shana