Another realm

Good evening friends. Ahhh…after a long, lovely day of activity in our terribly cluttered house I am sitting here breathing, slowly, pondering the week gone by. I am gazing at the clean floor, celebrating the lack of clutter, the absence of requests, listening to Chopin sonatas and drinking a pot of Chai. The moon is almost full, and in perfect view as I sit here typing. As usual, the frogs and the crickets are singing. It has been a dry day, hot enough to dry the laundry in less than three hours on the line. End of season colds have come, both girls are sniffling, but that didn’t stop us from celebrating the sun at the beach today. Summer is coming to an end, by the calendar. The rainy weather for the past weeks has thrown me off, and made it seem as if it were time to prepare for my long awaited chill in the air; poor, anxious, winter-deprived me  My sister gently mocked my winter idealism, mentioning that they are getting cabin fever having been locked in their Wisconsin home for the fourth week in a row. The grass does always seem greener on the other side, yes.

The cows around here bring this phrase to life. You’ll see them in the paddocks grazing and lazing in lush beautiful grass. Yet there will always be a few right on the fence wire, leaning their necks over the barbed wire fence, taking the pain for those few tastier looking blades of grass on the other side. Barbed wire in your neck… I suppose I wouldn’t make that sacrifice to get to the snow. My friend Michelle accidentally pierced her hand the other day on some barbed wire. The pain was so incredible that she actually went to the emergency room for pain killer, hard for an “au naturel tough hippy chick.” She healed up well enough to come take care of Genevieve and Jacinta last weekend while Keith, Matt, her son Rory and I worked on the chicken pen. The following day Michelle and Rory came out again for lunch and a hike to the neighbours’ nashi pear tree. We got caught in the rain again, but enjoyed the adventure. I still laugh picturing Michelle and I jumping in the mud like little kids in the rain, trying to reach the pears while our children stood in awe that we could have so much fun, without them!

Having seen how nice it is to be awake after dark and perhaps not wanting to miss out on any fun, Jacinta now has a hard time falling asleep after dinner. Her will is very strong, as I’ve mentioned before. She can almost fall asleep in her plate at dinner time, yet work herself back up to stay awake for another two hours. We don’t force her to go to sleep, we just follow her cues knowing that keeping her up any longer will result in major breakdowns. Somehow she has stopped these evening tantrums in order to convince us that she can stay up with us, especially if Genevieve is still awake. Following our bedtime routine ending with two stories AND songs (which might need to change), she now gets up and draws, plays quietly in her room, coming out to see what we’re doing from time to time and say, “I’m not tired.” Given that sibling rivalries ooze into every aspect of life, perhaps Jacinta has decided that her little sister is not going to win the prize for needing the least sleep. She can stay up just as late and climb just as high! Although she may try, Genevieve still holds the title, usually napping for a total of 45 minutes each day, going to bed last and waking first.

Genevieve had a lot of “firsts” this week. She learned to climb up on the couch. She can now reach our bookshelves. She likes to sit like “the big people,” once in place, smiling with overflowing self satisfaction. Evie has also figured out how to use the stool to climb into Jacinta’s bed and enter one of Jacinta’s last sacred spaces. I gave Jacinta a zipper pouch to hide her crayons and scissors because Evie can reach everything on the desk now. Jess calls it the “no-no pouch.” On a more gratifying note, Evie can reach the piano on her tippy toes and plays a few notes every time she passes by. Another 1st, Genevieve had her first bottle of cow’s milk and loved every sip.

She also had her first bike ride! While Jacinta was at pre-school, I took Genevieve out for an adventure on the banks of the Nambucca River to explore a path I’d wanted to take for over a year. She seemed to enjoy the ride, even the hills and the speed until she realized that her helmet was holding her back. We stopped under a tree when the wind and rain got too strong and had a picnic. It was nice to have the time to devote all of my attention to her, rare as it is. The path was beautiful. As it is my nature, I enjoy things by anticipating sharing them with others. This time, I imagined us walking it with my sister and her family when they come out in June.

Lastly, Genevieve had her very first tantrum. She has been throwing her head and feet back, trying to wriggle free and escape our grip every time we change her clothes or diaper for a long time, but this was new. I took something away from her and she threw her whole body down on the ground and fussed for not getting her way. In Australia they call this, “chucking a wobbly.” Jacinta and I were standing right there. We looked at each other and just cracked up laughing. Evie will be one on Tuesday, and she’s already learned to tantrum, what an achievement. She’s done it a few times since, and all we can do is laugh. This seems early to us and is just hilarious. Hopefully she doesn’t take it personally that we can’t take her serious  Having a three-year old and a one-year old who throw tantrums, my oh my. I hope one of them grows out of it quickly.

Although, I shouldn’t ever hope for our girls to grow up any faster. Any parent who has watched their children grow up and move away in search of a new life will remind us of this. I get to listen to the girls giggle as they learn to play together. Jacinta likes to push Evie around in the upside down stool (Evie’s car). Evie lights up when Jacinta comes home from pre-school or comes into our bedroom first thing in the morning. Jacinta sat on the couch grumpily the other day and asked, “When is Genevieve going to wake up? I want to play with her.” I was surprised, for usually Jacinta wants to escape her little sister’s grabby destructive hands.

Although the mosquito problem is gone and the heat is not too intense, Jacinta prefers to spend her time inside. Unfortunately for her, she has me as her mother and Genevieve as her sister who both NEED to be outdoors whenever possible. I will soon learn to stop trying to convince her that going outside will be fun. All I need to do now is invite her, and tell her that she can join Genevieve and I when she is ready. The cubby house is the perfect solution because it is visible and audible from the house, shady, full of fun for both girls and I can bring out veggies or fruit to prepare, knitting or laundry to hang. Jacinta joins us in a short while and feels as if it was her idea to come out. We sometimes read books or paint. Whatever we end up doing, Jacinta always “cooks” us a meal and serves us drinks and Genevieve flits around like a butterfly. It’s a great way to spend a few hours.

Jacinta spends a lot of time drawing now. This morning she drew a picture of Genevieve on her shoulders and even drew her first helicopter. Although she is very girly and doesn’t care about trucks, her friend Rory’s favourite game is playing “rescue.” They fly helicopters to rescue injured people from the bush. Jess is contemplating the difference between boys and girls these days, colour choices, different types of work, who cooks, who builds. Try as I might to blur these lines so she doesn’t get boxed in, our household only fortifies these gender roles. I knit, sew, cook, clean, and take care of children. Hmmm…In any case, I was enchanted that my little girly girl drew a helicopter because I never would!

Practicing letters are also another pastime. So much that on her little bike ride along the beach boardwalk, Jacinta couldn’t ride or think straight. Matt and I took the girls to the V-wall (which Jacinta proudly called the “V whole”). In addition to being a great place to swim for little ones there is also a beautiful boardwalk lined with massive concrete blocks and some boulders. The rocks are all painted by tourists or locals who want to leave their mark, legal and beautiful graffiti. People write their names, the year they visited, they might draw pictures, create mosaics, or write something deep and meaningful. Bursting with energy on her tricycle, Jacinta stopped every three seconds exclaiming, “I see a J! Look Mommy I see a D! A red heart! Look a G! It says Jess? Why does it say that?” Genevieve had been lulled to sleep in her stroller by Matt, but hearing Jacinta’s exuberance she had to join in. Jacinta sees letters everywhere, many green beans she picks look like J’s. Sticks can be I’s, and as you can imagine, O’s are everywhere. The stacks of books in Jacinta’s room are like gifts sitting under a Christmas tree, just waiting to be opened. She is filled with anticipation. Right now, she has to wait for one of us to open them with her but one day she’ll be able to open them all on her own. I imagine that day when she’ll spend a lot more time next to her bookshelf, or maybe in a hammock with a stack of books.

This week’s engagements kept us busy. Tuesday pre-school (upon which Jacinta will not comment much), Wednesday French class, Thursday playgroup and Saturday dance class. All of these activities include her friend Lily. Anytime Jacinta knows Lily will not be coming in advance, she gets grumpy, sad and gets anxious saying “my belly hurts.” Lily is not going to dance anymore and this was Jacinta’s first lesson on her own. Although she was initially torn up, Jess shined today at dance. Matt, Keith and Mary all came to watch for a while. She paid attention very well, even singing the French version of “Head, shoulders, knees and toes” for her teacher before they stretched to the English version. It was such a relief to see her so full of joy and no fear, jumping around, tapping, and checking herself out in the mirror. By the end she had danced herself into another realm and ended up falling out of sync, running in front of the teacher staying one move behind at all times and running in the opposite direction to the rest of the class. The awesome part was that she was joyful doing it, she was not doing it to be contrary. She is three and dances herself into another realm.

Singing is another unconscious realm Jacinta likes to visit. She still makes up songs with made up words singing while drawing, cooking or playing with her dolls. She sings the French rainbow song while drawing. Choir warm-up exercises get her singing in choir from the start. She convinced Matt to come to choir this week, she has more power than I. All four of us went to choir! It was nice to do something so soulful together, we don’t do that much these days. The girls also get a bit hard to handle by the end, or anytime I need to do a solo, so the help was much appreciated.

Besides choir, Matt continued work on his book. He is organizing the art work, designating each piece to a chapter. He printed out copies of them all and tried to do a physical lay out, lucky for me to have a peek. He edited essays and transcribed interviews. He worked a bit on his websites and also did some work with Keith on the chook pen. Today he began building the walls in the cellar, but was forced to stop by accidentally drilling his finger. As is the usual scenario with his injuries, Matt is more annoyed that he can’t finish what he started than worried about his pain. Jacinta enjoys nursing him (using bandages) so that eases the pain too. He’s probably bummed that he can’t harass her much now with an injured hand. He had just found a new way to make her laugh. He picks her up and does something funny to her knee. After a few times, she asked, “What’s that called daddy?” “A knee sluck,” Matt replied. As Jacinta tends to be contrary, she instantly replied in her loud voice, “No knee slucking, knee slucker!” Never deterred by giggling demands, Matt loves to tease his little girls and toughen them up. I remember my dad doing the same thing, and me loving it while whining, “stop!” I think dads have to do this when surrounded by so much female energy.

So, another week has gone by. I have learned a few lessons and shared some more love with my girls. I believe they too have learned some important lessons. Matt and I have actually opened our first parenting book. For the second time in parenthood, I have been openly criticized for being too soft on Jacinta. It happened for the first time on our visit to the USA and this time at choir, both by people who I respect. This hurt much more the first time because I had so much pride. This time hurt too, but I am working on humility. I am starting to accept the fact that although I expect myself to be the best parent on earth, I can only please myself and my family. I need not convince anyone else of what a good mother I am. This may seem simple to anyone else, but not for me. Although I hate to admit it, I do care what people think. I want to work on just loving my children rather than priding myself on how well I control them. We’ll see how that goes, it is a major shift in gears. A more immediate goal is to prepare things for our first dual birthday party as Genevieve turns one and Matt turns 35 this Tuesday. I have already made a donkey with Jacinta for Pin the tail on the Donkey. That’s it though! As usual I aim to make thousands of lovely creations, but given three days, I will have to settle on just a few. It is also root planting time, and I have grand plans for the garden. I suppose we have to dream in order to keep going. It’s past 1am and it is really dreamtime now. I wish you big dreams, and big accomplishments too.

Take care,
Shana

120 Kevin Rudd is a good man

Good evening loved ones. I hope you are enjoying your snow, as I am enjoying the first hints of autumn. Distance makes the heart grow fonder, surely because I am so desperate for cold that I have turned winter into paradise. I get giddy with excitement on a chilly morning, telling Jacinta that soon it will be winter and how wonderful it will be. It is still months away. She may not agree, especially as this will be our first winter in the new house, full of large windows and space heaters. The worst case scenario in winter here is that you stay outside all day because it is warmer outside than inside, and come inside when the sun goes down and crank up the heat, whether you use a wood fire or space heaters. It has been a cool summer in any case, with more rain than this area has had in a long while. The girls and I actually went to the beach one afternoon and got so cold we had to leave early. Although the rain seems to be lightening up, it showers at least once a day now. Given the heavy rainfall, the rivers have had makeovers. The river in which we were swimming was dark brown due to Tea Tree in the water, or so I heard from other beachgoers.

More exciting than the coming of autumn this week was our new Prime Minister’s apology to the Aboriginal Elders who suffered beyond belief due to governmental policies in the earlier part of the twentieth century. On behalf of the Australian Government, Kevin Rudd apologized to the Stolen Generation. Keith’s mum is part of the Stolen Generation and is over 90 years old. As a child, she was taken from her father and placed in care of white people. She then grew up on a mission, bringing up all 14 of her children on church land to be “watched over” by the church officials. Keith grew up on this mission out in Moree. His mum just found out her age and origins a few years ago, living over 90 years never knowing from where or who she came. The government did this both to “save” the poor “uncivilized” Aboriginal children and to systematically wash away Aboriginal culture and all physical traits of the once proud people.

Our Prime Minister laid it all out, the nasty truth about the atrocities committed against the original inhabitants of this land in the very recent past. The apology was highly debated for a long time. The Labour Party is now in power and has jumped right into reconciliation. The apology was said in Parliament in the presence of over a hundred Aboriginal Elders in the room and thousands of Aboriginal people outside Parliament celebrating. It was aired on public television for all to hear and join in. Many white people have trouble with the idea of intergenerational responsibility. They don’t believe that we should feel any guilt for the errors of our ancestors. Guilt is not the answer, but surely public recognition that this was wrong, very recent and that white people have benefited by their government ordained superiority. In some remote areas of Australia these policies were still in use in the 1970s, shocking. This apology was very emotional for everyone, bringing up a shameful piece of history. Rudd finished off his speech with hopes and plans for reconciliation. What can “sorry” do? The pain and suffering endured will never disappear, but the wound would need to be cleaned. Policies for equality came along after the end of the Removal policy, but the wound was still dirty, covered in disrespect and complacent acceptance of past atrocities. For many years the scab has been stuck there, filled with dirt and infection. This gives us hope for a new beginning. The wound seems to be cleaner and may begin to heal now. The Prime Minister’s words were cheered on by the Aboriginal community inside and outside Parliament.

Brendan Nelson, the opposition leader then spoke for another thirty minutes. I found his words condescending, depressing, and seemingly inappropriate. Nelson mentioned the good intentions of the government and the church. It was government policy to find children living with their aboriginal parents, tear them out of their mothers and fathers’ arms, transport them long distances and place them in the care of white, Christian people in order to put and end to Aboriginal culture. He found one case of an Aboriginal girl who was actually thankful she had been ripped out of her parents’ arms and tell that story on this occasion. On this day, he also felt the need to point out all of the failing aspects of modern Aboriginal culture in many communities: alcoholism, under-education, sexual abuse and contented unemployment. These are real issues that need addressing, no doubt. But this was not the day to discuss the very same issues that come up every time the Government works on Aboriginal Affairs. This was a new day. After ignoring its complicity in creating problems in aboriginal communities for so long, the government was finally owning up to its errors. Nelson turned tears of joy and relief on the Elder’s faces inside the Parliament assembly into tears of shame and anger. Matt, Keith and I sat transfixed for an hour listening drop-jawed, thrown from one end of the emotional spectrum to another, wishing we had gone to Canberra to participate. Although we can’t explain the situation to the girls, Jacinta and Genevieve somehow felt the importance of this hour and entertained themselves rather well. We can only hope that history will forget the second speech and that all Australians will run on the positive energy laid out by our Prime Minister and begin to heal each other.

We were lucky to be with Keith on this day. It would surely have been hard for him to listen to the past rehashed by the very organization that caused it all. His mum was on his mind, thinking of her with each gruesome story. It was especially hard for him to watch the face of the elders, their tears, knowing the memories this was bringing back. It was strange for me being a complete outsider, neither white Australian nor Aboriginal Australian. Of course I put myself in the white colonizer category since I come from another country that trashed the natives and established white rule. I feel no better or worse for not being Australian, just uninvolved, harmless, a bystander.

I feel somewhat similar regarding the upcoming American elections being so far away. Matt keeps me up on Clinton and Obama. The coverage on US elections in Australian news is quite impressive, but I long to feel the political excitement back home. Matt and I will both vote absentee next November, but the energy for change in the air and the never-ending lead up are things I will miss. I am lucky to have you all to share your energy for the elections with me from afar. I’d love to hear any insights, fears, or hopes you may have for the candidates.

How to move on from such grand schemes to life here on Coronation Road? Well, speaking of governments, after four years of intermittent efforts to recuperate money from a tax error I made in Michigan, this week I was told I could expect a refund in the mail!!! What a shock, a relief. Another nice surprise this week was that my nephew Kai said my name! We are so far apart, yet Lecia and Ben have made me present in his life. He said Jess and Evie’s names too, and made me cry. I am far from many people I love, this is a choice I have made. I do not regret it, but it is harder some days. I can not help being far from my friend Khady in France whom I saw last about four years ago in Paris. But this week I was able to bridge the distance through a piece she wrote for Matt’s book. What an honour to translate Khady’s words, to learn how much her worldview has changed through life in Europe. I suppose our worldviews are all in a constant state of evolution, if we open ourselves to change.

I find vulnerability opens up doors to learning. Before children, I preferred solo travel because this vulnerability made it easier to meet people and soak up the culture. It was lonely at times, but most often my solitude brought me friends I would not have known had I been travelling with company. In the end, the solitude and the never-ending search for the “right way” to live brought me home ready to start my own family with Matt. I think I finally found what I sought: the courage to take all I’d learned in my life and travels and take a stab at family life. Voila Jacinta nine months later. My worldview has drastically changed in the past few years, partly due to my new geographical location, age and because of my new role in life: mother.

Mothering this week has been humorous, energizing, trying, and gratifying all at once. Jacinta and I made Valentines (which aren’t such an Aussie thing) and even made Valentines shortbread cookies. Genevieve and I played games with cups, baskets and balls and giggled a lot. Jacinta tinkered on the piano, danced around joyously, painted big pictures, wrote her name for the first time, played with and hid from her little sister and did some cooking in her cubbyhouse. Evie loves to pull down and tip out anything her big sister is cooking and is not phased by Jacinta’s gruff voice and scolding. After she’s had enough of this, and has tried out the swings, the see-saw and the slide, she crawls away from the safe cubby house world to roam the grassy hill. She coyly and very quickly crawls/walks down the hill with a knowing smile, assuming I’m following behind chasing her. I think it’s both a game to see how far away she can escape and a desire to play with mud and grass. Genevieve also found a new pastime in “shopping,” filling her purse with little things around the house.

To balance out the week, Jacinta sulked, had a few tantrums, screamed at the top of her lungs for slight bumps and scrapes and fought long and hard to be in charge. Genevieve too is learning to scream to get attention and will stop and smile as soon as she is up in arms or you have given her what she was pursuing. She is either teething or pretending to be in order to make it into our bed in the middle of the night. Jacinta sang her little heart out in choir, standing up and reading her “music” (pictures) like a big girl. She made it through another full day at preschool, with a few tears but nothing drastic. She skipped around happily in dance class, and tapped loudly with her new tap shoes (given to her by another mum one minute before class began). With her newfound speed, Genevieve successfully broke into the dance studio a few times. First she was content to marvel at the beautiful sight, then to bounce to the music, finally breaking away to run across the floor and try to catch Jacinta. It’s all starting: little sister following big sister.

Coincidentally, my friend Anissa happens to have been a gymnast also so we are starting to teach our girls gymnastics. Jacinta and Lily were giddy to do this together and to have their mothers’ attention, but had a hard time accepting our advice. Both girls stubbornly refused their own mothers’ advice and went to the other mother to follow the very same advice because it was not their mum teaching. This would be the reason my mom sent me to another piano teacher to have lessons. Genevieve and little Henry (11 months) participated by plopping themselves in the middle of the mattress just to smile, be cute and try to imitate the girls. Jacinta has taken to reading us stories at night, simple stories that she has memorized. She has not yet showed her hard-headedness with reading, obviously because it is still a complete mystery to her.

Predators and prey are another mystery to our big girl. She has been watching National Geographic videos about dolphins, crocodiles, polar bears, sharks and chimpanzees. They are well done, in that they don’t harp on the kill but show only what is necessary. The other day she asked why we don’t eat our roosters, because some of her friends do. She eats ham on occasion now and loves it. The other day she was playing with a plastic pig and a finger puppet of a little girl and said, “She is killing the pig because she wants to eat ham for dinner.” She had the little girl jump on the pig a few times and then it was dinner time. It was a bit strange coming out of my girl’s imagination but I suppose she’s coming to terms with wanting to eat meat and the reality of how it gets to her plate. Jacinta says she has bad dreams some nights, usually about foxes. It makes Matt and I sad to contemplate her fear in the night, but I guess it’s a part of life. At least she’s not fearing kidnappers, my most vivid childhood nightmares.

The other night she and Genevieve joined Matt and I in our evening after failing to fall asleep. Jacinta lay on the couch listening to Alison Kraus on the stereo, asking questions every few minutes. Genevieve was just doing her normal kitchen circuit. At one point Jacinta said, smitten, “Oh, this lady sings so pretty.” She asked to play one song over and over until she realized they all sounded just as beautiful. Matt took out her guitar and restrung it. Knowing this was stolen time, she shyly asked permission to come and watch. She marvelled at how dark it was outside, and curiously asked if this is what we did every night while she was sleeping. Of course they both eventually went to sleep. The funny thing is that rather than begrudging them for stealing our alone time I enjoyed the feel of the night with our whole family together. It brought me back to when I was a little girl. I loved the evenings after dinner with my dad home from work, playing games, baking, playing music, watching movies all together until bedtime. I won’t deny that I also love the rare chance when the girls are asleep before dark and I get out in the garden. Matt keeps me up on the moon planting guide, always letting me know when it is the right time to plant. Lately I’ve been resisting the urge, but one night this week I planted some lettuce, spinach, broccoli and purslane. I even transplanted a passionfruit vine that had been sitting in a pot for six months, somehow still alive. Matt just finished playing his guitar on the veranda in the moonlight. Evenings are peaceful no matter what, perhaps the sun resting sets the vibe. I say this with Evie sitting at my feet playing with a tissue box at 11:25pm after waking three times this evening. Hmm….

By day Matt kept busy as usual this week doing a wide array of jobs. He worked on a few broken lawn mowers with Keith, completed another subject for his counselling course, filled out some more depressing job applications, and began work on our camp’s website. The sadness in filling out long job applications lies in the knowledge that after trying to convince the employer that he possesses the appropriate skills and would put his heart into the position, they probably won’t call him or even read it all because he has no connections. On a more positive note, we all put in a good day of labour on the chicken pen today. In between digging post holes and tearing down the old sheet metal walls, Matt began cleaning out his tool shed. Originally Blessed is still coming along. Matt did another phone interview regarding a work of art in the book, some editing, and some work on the front cover and the layout. He sends out a weekly reflection to those involved or just interested. So if you would like to be included, let him know. There is also a new movie on our website for you. Just click on VIDEOS on www.paintedguitar.com to see how the girls are growing.

Given the slumping economy, our new prime minister’s energy and the United States’ hope for a better political situation, the future can only be brighter. In a relative scheme, we’re pretty lucky whether or not we have jobs at the moment. What a blessing that the hardest part about unemployment here is the mental energy it requires to make it through the day. Obviously we’d be contemplating a move had we not the means to feed or house ourselves. I now understand that “living in the country” is a privilege that only some people can enjoy, given the difficulty to make a living out here. We still relish this privilege. I hope you are all well dear ones.

Peace,
Shana

Outdoor Bliss

Good evening loved ones  Wonderful changes have blessed our week. We decided to do the deed: kill the mosquitoes with poison. We didn’t use something kind and environmentally safe. We used good old poison and they are dead. We can live outside again. Spending time out on the veranda, on the girls’ swing set and clubhouse, in the garden, hanging out laundry, feeding the chickens and walking to the car are no longer stressful, hurried activities. Just today as I was enjoying our freedom in the shade cutting cucumbers while Jacinta pounded berries with a stick, I pondered the insanity of being enslaved to mosquitoes for so long. I do not regret compromising my previously high ideals, using only natural remedies. We tried other methods and suffered for a long while. I am starting to be at peace with hypocrisy and see it as a necessary part of growing up. It may not be hypocrisy but adjusting one’s ideals to support a certain quality of life. To hear Jacinta say, “I want to stay outside all day today!” is reason enough to use a few nasty chemicals and give thanks that they exist.

After eating half of her breakfast this morning Jacinta asked if she could go OUT and play. This would sound normal for other children, but not Jacinta. She usually waits for someone else to suggest an activity. She jumps at anything, if it is indoors. She makes excuses if it is an outdoor activity on our land, albeit playing on the swings, riding her bike, picking flowers, or gardening. Lately she has been complaining of belly aches. We think they are emotions she feels but does not know how to name: anxiety, sadness, boredom, loneliness, and jealousy. Our good friend Sara, who is the daughter of our naturopath and has lived and studied homeopathy herself for years humbly shared an insight into Jacinta’s personality. It was something she had mentioned a while back but I ignored because things were running rather smoothly. This time I listened and looked into what a “Calc Carb” child is.
We would never want to label our children, but understanding their personality as a spoke in this wheel we call humanity could be helpful. After a bit of research and conversation, we learned that this label is about constitution, what we are made of. Reading the description of the Calc Carb child so closely fitting our daughter on numerous websites, Matt and I were in awe. One analogy we enjoyed likened Jacinta to an oyster. It prefers to stay safely inside its shell, clinging to a rock for security. Inside its shell it is soft and amorphous, and its activities revolve around assimilating food and digesting it. The Calcarea individual is slow, solid, down to earth, plodding. Constitutional treatments in homeopathy seem offer us more of what we are made of, rather than trying to counter our constitution. I am so far from this personality type in my own life that I sometimes take Jacinta’s slowness as disobedience. Taking a homeopathic remedy made from ground oyster shells may not be “the answer,” but reminding me of the beautiful individuality of each human soul is helpful. “Your children are not your children, they are the sons and the daughters of life’s longing for itself. They come through you but they are not from you…You can house their bodies but not their souls for their souls dwell in a place of tomorrow.” I have listened to these words sung by Sweet Honey and the Rock (written by Kahlil Gibran) for years. Only now am I really starting to understand and heed them.
Of course we haven’t said a word of this to Jacinta, but she enjoys taking her “vitamins.” It’s hard to believe but already her anxiety seems to be less intense. Her need for an adult playmate at all times is letting up a bit as she further develops her ability to play imaginatively. She has more physical energy and isn’t so concerned with food. This morning she actually turned down the offer of morning tea saying, “We just had breakfast!” not realizing that two hours had passed while she played in her outdoor kitchen. We know it could be the lack of mosquitoes and our change in working with her, but whatever it is, we have enjoyed the last four days.

Jacinta likes to dance both in dance class and at home, pretending to be the teacher for Evie and I. One favourite is Ring Around the Rosey, with Evie and I also in the circle. Genevieve’s newfound ability to participate in circle games is quite a thrill for us all. Jacinta particularly enjoys the attention of her little sister. Now when she calls out, “Genevieve, look!” Evie actually watches her tricks. Perhaps I appreciate this more than anyone because it takes the pressure off me. Jacinta’s tricks never end. Couch tricks, animal tricks, ball tricks, and now she is drawing letters. She has been working on J for some time, and picked up I and T along the way. We aren’t pushing anything, we figure she will learn better if the desire comes from within. It’s easy to understand why she chose J first but she is now paying close attention to letters written on signs outside. The other day in the car she said, “See that letter with the line and the crosses on it? Evie’s letter? I want to draw that one when we get home.” Once in the door she immediately brought out pen and paper and drew an E with over 10 horizontal lines attached to the one vertical line. I showed her that she only needed three lines and she took the advice without her usual reticence to be taught anything.

Although she seems stubborn in many cases, Jacinta watches us in awe and reverence when we do things which, for her, belong to the adult realm like reading, writing, building a house, cooking new things or doing gymnastics. I’d like to figure out how to safeguard your child’s sense of awe. But the jig is up as soon as they learn what they need from you, you are no longer worthy of reverence because they “already know how!” Maybe the trick is to keep some secrets. Nah, I know it’s a part of parenting, selflessness. I just don’t want to make the mistake of accepting disrespect. It’s a hard balance and she hasn’t yet gone to school to learn from her peers. She did make it through her first time at preschool with no tears though, thanks to her friend Lily. For this and many other things, I too gaze at my big girl with awe and reverence.

It is hard not to be in awe of a baby. They pick up so many new things each day and don’t require discipline. Genevieve has started to look at the pages in books, rather than eating them. She points at the pages, loudly commenting, “Mmm, Mmm.” She might want to show us something or turn the page for her. Pat the Bunny seems to be her favourite book. She’ll spend over five minutes patting the bunny, playing peek-a-boo with Paul, sticking her finger in Mummy’s ring, looking in the mirror, and reading Judy’s book. When Keith comes in and picks her up, she has started to use her voice and point at the framed pictures all over the walls. She wants us to join her world and see what she sees. That seems to be the major change: leaving the baby stage when experiencing things for oneself suffices. Now she wants to share her thoughts, visions, words. It’s as if her will to speak to us erupted just the other day. I found it bizarre today while cooking. She used to be so quiet. Now she uses this loud, insistent, “Mmm” call whenever she wants something. Surely it’s better than crying.

Our wakeful Genevieve continues to grant us about two thirty minute naps a day. No doubt, I’m bitter about this. It just doesn’t seem fair given the time that I spend helping her fall asleep. But she obviously doesn’t need much rest, strange human. My latest tactic of using the crib as a way to limit her options and induce sleep has failed. She is not yet one and can crawl out of her crib. My mom and I were just talking about my will to climb the other day. They had to put me in a big bed early on and surround it with pillows due to my incessant crib escapes. Genevieve and I have a few things in common. Evie’s thud on the floor was one of the scariest sounds we’ve heard yet, she survived though. If I lie on the floor and pretend I’m sleeping she will eventually go to sleep. High maintenance, yes. Speaking of high maintenance, Evie’s hair is long enough that it needs taming! Matt jokingly put a clip in her hair the other day, and it stuck. She now has her hair “done” and Matt can do it. But hey, she’s also learning to sweep the kitchen. The other day Genevieve imitated me sweeping the floor with the little broom rather than trying to chase my dirt pile and eat the broom. Jacinta then joined in wanting to sweep, which is new because she had taken to watching me and complaining that I wasn’t available to play with her.

As usual, the girls kept me very busy this week. But once the rain stopped Matt rejoiced by taking the girls on a few morning walks to town, leaving me to garden and do a few tasks necessitating concentration. These few mornings gave me an hour in the early morning to gather myself, alone. Then on Saturday Matt took them out shopping for a few hours, giving me an afternoon to sweat in the garden. I appreciate the opportunity to sweat, it so seldom arises. I tried out the machete (not so good) on weeds around the mango tree and added more wire to the vine supports for the kiwis to climb. The kiwis are growing like weeds, they must like rain. I newspapered over more weeds and covered them in mulch. I trimmed the weeds encroaching upon my beautiful terrace of kidney beans. Basically I tried to keep the jungle at bay. I promised myself that I will not plant anything until I can sufficiently care for the existing plants and trees. Thus far, I have kept my word. Autumn is on its way, and my goal is to garden well. I tend to do most things “half-ass,” a term my dad always used. I will try to care for whatever I plant next season, mulching, fertilizing, watering, weeding, thinning, staking, and harvesting in a timely fashion. Wish me luck!

Having realistic goals is not something I usually do. In the past week, I have convinced myself for a few exciting hours of quite a few different ways to both make money and feel that I’m using my gifts. On one day I was going to be a children’s author. I even sat down and wrote a story about a cow. Another day I was going to get a musical group together and play at pubs. I have contemplated teaching children’s music in the community. This idea doesn’t seem as terribly far fetched, but given my inability to even clean our house and cook dinner I don’t think now is the time for any grand ideas. I did get chance to talk to my mom a few times this week. Her mom’s funeral was on Tuesday and she was denied the chance to attend, due to the fog grounding all flights. Her husband is having troubles with his diabetes so times are rough. I was also able to talk with my friend Khady in Paris. She is writing a piece for Matt in his book, which is an exciting opportunity for me to translate. She is having a hard time being a single mother in a foreign country with no family and no job right now, as you’d expect. It took all the courage in the world for her to answer my question of an appropriate baby gift and weeks later, ask for cash because she is running on empty. Although Matt and I feel strapped, it’s hard to compare our situation to Khady’s and feel unfortunate. We are very lucky, and hopefully someday Khady will get back to Senegal to be with her family and feel lucky too.

French class this week was a Mardi Gras party complete with mask making, crepe making (and eating), and mess making. The school holidays are now over and activities are starting up again. The girls and I had been missing choir, thus were very excited to return. Many of our songs are in foreign languages, but Jacinta has a feel for them. In preparation I asked Jacinta if there were any songs she really wanted to sing. A few hours later she came up with one, “Jay Jay Jay,” she requested. We did sing “Sin Nje Nje Nje,” that night and she sang loud and proud. She watched everyone’s lips and followed along. Genevieve stayed home with Matt and Mary, and gave them quite a hard time. She must have known what she was missing.

Genevieve had two nights without me this week, one for choir and another while Matt and I went out to a movie with our friend Sara. It was a Swedish movie called As it Is In Heaven about a musical genius and his search for love and community. Keith and Mary kindly stayed with the girls. What a lucky situation and a lovely evening we all had. Not to mention the movie was perhaps the best we’d seen in years. I won’t try to explain the movie, but just recommend that you see it. I loved it for the characters’ humility, honesty, and grace. Matt said he thought it demonstrated Creation Spirituality better than any book could, in addition to a thousand other praises.

On that note, Matt’s book Originally Blessed is going well. He is finally confident that he can appropriately cover all 26 themes through essay, poems, art and interviews. He is receiving new pieces to edit and add every day and more submissions than he can use. This work in addition to helping tend five acres of overgrown land would seem enough to keep him busy, but he still feels his lack of paid employment dragging down his spirit. He continues to apply for jobs but for nought. We joke about employment in the mosquito killing industry. Matt decided he’d had enough of our debilitating mosquitoes. He had researched numerous methods. We tried a few and gave up on environmentalism. Last Thursday, he strategically sprayed the nastiest spots and we are still rejoicing almost a week later. Given the lack of mosquitoes, Jacinta fell in love with her cubby house. So Matt took her to the EcoHouse for a shopping spree of used kitchen goods to keep outside in her own kitchen.

We are all rejoicing in our own ways given our new freedom. Genevieve is pleasantly surprised that when she goes to the screen door and points outside, I actually take her outside to play. Jacinta seems to feel empowered that she can go in an out without first putting on long sleeves, pants and bug spray in the heat of the summer just to play on her swing set for a few minutes. I love being able to run down to the garden for tomatoes without changing my clothes and not having to scold Jacinta to “SHUT THE DOOR! THE MOZZIES ARE COMING IN!” Matt seems to enjoy his breaks from work indoors. He can now will go outside to do little tasks to break up the day without having to suit up before stepping out the door.

I suppose I feel free in that I am learning to compromise and let go of guilt. This seems to be a lesson I really needed to learn. I am still learning. We tell Jacinta that we’re all just trying to learn how to be good humans. We may be offending the mosquitoes and their predators. But for now, I feel that a sane life lived without fear of stepping outside is very important to the humans here at Coronation Road.
I hope you too are feeling free and at peace this week.

Peace,
Shana

Grandmas and babies

Good evening y’all. I come to you this evening with some sadness, having lost my last Grandma just a few days ago. Grace Norby is my mom’s mom, after whom Jacinta Grace was named. My grandma was/is a strong Montana lady who set the bar high for a woman/farmer/mother/grandma/homemaker. She demanded respect just by the very excellence of everything she did. She was proud, and had much to be proud of: a great husband, thousands of acres of good farmland, five healthy children that grew up to have children of their own, good friends, a good education, fine handcraft skills, and a community in which she was loved. She lived nearly 90 years and decided she was ready to move on to another place where Alzheimer’s does not rule.

Her passing is a blessing in many respects. It seems sad that she had to live on without her mind for years, after such a proud life. My mind tells me to smile that Grandma is at peace now, but my selfish heart just aches that my last Grandma has gone. She and Grandpa were farmers. They worked hard and loved their way of life. They brought up five children, three of whom now live in cities. Keith, “Grandpa’s right hand” as Grandma called her son, worked their land alongside Grandpa for a long while but passed away a few years ago. LaRae, their youngest daughter still ranches with her family about an hour away from the farm. The land is being farmed by renters now. I said goodbye to their house and land a few years ago when Grandpa died, but it seems more final now that Grandma has left us. So much of life is come and go now, but Grandma and Grandpa had a place they never left. They had the community which I seek, they stayed. They poured their hearts and souls into one place and reaped the benefits of their permanence. They knew and loved the land they worked and made it through some hard times there. They gave us a legacy to follow, hard work and love.

Jacinta asked me why I was sad the other day. I told her that when it is time to say goodbye to our loved ones who have died, we like to be with people who knew and loved the departed. “Why?” she asked. So we can tell stories about them, laugh, cry and celebrate what great people they were. She seemed bewildered, as you are at age three. I am perhaps more emotional due to the sheer distance between my family and I right now. Knowing there is no way to return makes the distance seem terribly isolating. Although they do us a world of good, email and telephones lead me into a false sense of security. In reality we are incredibly far apart. It’s times like these that I just need to hug my mom, sister, aunts, uncles and cousins and letters just don’t cut it.

Given my inability to mourn with my family, I dove into some stories my Grandma and her sister had written about their childhood and their families. It was nice to journey back in time to the days when people would ride eight miles on horseback each day to school. Grandma talked about growing, canning and storing most of their food, taking care of livestock, riding in a real sleigh in the winter to fetch a Christmas tree, rolling tires downhill for entertainment, fetching water, warming water by wood fire, and doing laundry and ironing the long, slow way. She lived through the depression and came out alright. When I was a teenager I would have felt nothing but pity for how hard Grandma worked throughout her life. Now I feel nothing but awe for this amazing woman.

Spending the last few years of her life in a home where she hadn’t the capability or need to work or busy herself would have been hard, same for Grandpa. I guess some of us do get to an age where productivity is no longer an option. I used to scorn the Western answer to this problem: retirement homes, while idealizing the African way of having families take on the care of their respected elders. While I still admire the African way, I have come back to my reality now. I appreciate our way of life, given our fierce individualism and difficulty with compromise in our own living space. Mary, my mother-in-law manages a retirement home here. I have since learned that these homes also provide the chance for community. Each year it seems that life in the industrialized nations gets more isolating as we purchase more and more crap to spare us from having to depend on others. But if you can get to a retirement home when you are well enough to appreciate the help, you might end up in a place that cooks you a nice meal to eat with your friends three times a day. They plan card games, dances and Bingo for you to enjoy with your friends. They even clean your toilets! I don’t mean to idealize a difficult situation, I know Grandma and Grandpa were both lonely in this home. After a long life spent with loved ones, I don’t think they were very interested in small talking with new people. Thus Grandma is probably very peaceful now, bless her soul. She has joined those she truly loves in some other realm.

In my desire to “spend time with Grandma,” I began a sewing project I’d been contemplating. Grandma was a skilled seamstress, nothing like easily frustrated and sloppy me. I pulled out three old curtains from Jacinta’s room in Michigan and hung them from a wire hoop. I sewed two more and strung them on the hoop in order to create a little tent around Genevieve’s crib. The bedroom is overstimulating with all of the toys on the shelf and she already has a hard enough time turning off when she is tired. So after cursing the bobbin in my sewing machine, I took the girls out to see Mary in Kempsey and we used her new machine. Now with her billowy tent, Evie can fall asleep more easily.

Genevieve’s energy astounds me still. She would fall asleep mid-climb if she were allowed. She can pull herself onto Jacinta’s little riding truck now, more so to get up higher than to get around. I try to warn her that it is not safe to stand on rolling vehicles, but she is 11 months old. She loves pushing Jacinta all through the house on this little truck. Genevieve’s new favourite toys are children’s chairs, getting in them to lounge and also climbing on top of them to get higher and reach forbidden items. This evening before bed, she climbed up and down in this wooden chair about 25 times, standing on the seat proudly each time, then either diving off or climbing precariously over to me. Matt tried to block her from falling with his guitar while singing Jacinta to sleep. Another new fascination for Evie is belly buttons. She hasn’t yet discovered her own, but loves digging into Jacinta’s and mine while giggling.

Jacinta is very kind with Evie’s exuberance and rough play, but has a very low pain tolerance. The slightest little bump, hair tug, or bite causes major tears and trauma necessitating ice and our undivided attention while Genevieve sits there either silent or giggling. Sisterly love, my oh my. Sharing seems to be getting harder by the day for Jacinta, partly because she is going through a clean freak phase and partly because she is becoming more possessive. It depends on her mood. Just the other day she told us about the little blue truck, “That’s Evie’s truck now.” We smiled and asked why. She responded, “because she loves it!” I’m trying to teach her that the best things to share are her favourite things, not just the toys she no longer likes. After giving her silly lectures, I beat myself down inside for being so hard on a three year old. Then she comes up with giving Evie her special riding truck and I feel a little better.
Jacinta is very funny to talk to these days. She may talk a lot and make me long for silence, but sometimes she just cracks me up. The other day we met Matt at a new café in town for lunch. Matt and Jacinta were sharing a special “Iced white Chocolate” drink and I was having an Iced Chai. We don’t go out very often. Jacinta has never had a drink as special as that one, so she knew the privilege it was. Genevieve wasn’t as calm and collected as her older sister. Wriggling all over my lap, she grabbed my full drink and spilled it all over my lap and the floor. Jacinta had just tasted my drink and “it was deeee-licious.” All she could see was, “It’s gone!” She yelled out at the top of her lungs, “Lick it up Mum!” Although it was slightly embarrassing, I am still laughing four days later. I am also still laughing at one question she asked in the car last night. While driving on the highway we passed some wild dogs who almost ran out and got hit. Jacinta sat there for a few minutes in silence after seeing them and then inquired, “Mum, what does a squished dog look like?” I tried to be vague but she wanted detail. The curious mind of a child. A newer form of entertainment for Jacinta is asking our preferences on illusive things always using opposing adjectives. “Do you want it short or tall?” (her hands) “Do you want it dry or wet?” (she didn’t even know what was going to be dry or wet). She’ll insistently ask about five of these questions in a row.

Yet we can ask her a few questions about preschool, and she gets funny and doesn’t want to comment on the activities of her day away. We know she did have a nice day at preschool last week with her friend Lily, although she cried when I first left. The teachers were amazed at the difference in her from switching days. She was evidently comfortable enough to talk their ears off. She switched down to the little people’s room and it was a positive change. Jacinta and Lily also had their first dance class on Saturday morning. This was great fun for Anissa and I to watch, especially leaving all of our other children at home with family. I seldom go anywhere without Genevieve, so it was a nice change. Genevieve was better off anyway getting to accompany Mary to morning tea for the first time. As for Jacinta and Lily, they paid close attention and hopped around with a bunch of other little dancing girls (and one lonely boy) doing tap and jazz with a cute high-school girl as their teacher.

Matt worked a lot on his book this week and had two long conference calls with his Creation Spirituality comrades. He bottled some beer, cleaned up after my messy kitchen habits, and helped keep the girls happy. He began another subject of study for his counselling degree. While the sun was shining, he mowed the lawn and edged a new garden bed near the house. This will be a mosquito deterring garden, we hope. It has been raining constantly for the past three days so we’re feeling a bit confined. Our friends Craig and Anissa brought their three children over on Saturday for lunch, so this broke up the rainy monotony. At one point Keith and Mary had all five children in the other room and us adults were playing Scrabble. I had to take a picture just to mark the beauty of the occasion, the luck to live with family.

Although I’ve recently given up on the “routine morning gardening” idea, I did take the girls out a few times this week to play in the dirt. Getting Genevieve to take the morning nap she desperately needs before gardening delays our outing so much that we miss the cool morning. Jacinta is unhappy almost from start to finish, needing constant inspiration to enjoy herself. It is hot and there are mosquitoes, but she becomes “too tired to walk,” or “hungry” after just a few minutes. You’d think I was forcing her to dig out rock, but I encourage her to play, draw on the chalkboard, make flower crowns, eat tomatoes, and water anything she chooses. Perhaps she knows I want her enjoy gardening really bad, so she can not. I gave up on my delusion of happy family gardening by Wednesday and we then stayed out of the garden. I gardened a little bit at night. By Friday Jacinta was asking about the garden and Genevieve was clearly dirt deficient. Sunday we finally went out, psyched up by Daddy to get muddy, and got utterly soaked and muddy in the pouring rain. It seems insane but I gave the girls rides in the wheelbarrow up and down the hill to get the new garden bed composted and mulched. Evie actually sat still in Jacinta’s arms. We jumped in little “streams,” painted ourselves with ochre (red clay-like rock used as a natural paint), played in mud and mulch. Genevieve was in heaven, giddy in disbelief that she was allowed to play in all of this water and mud, without having some adult come and swoop her away. I can still see the water rolling down her forehead into her eyes, her face turned up to feel the most water from under her hood and her smile, pure joy. To finish off the fun, Matt set up a slip and slide on a big blue sheet of plastic. The girls had never done such a thing. I don’t think Matt and I had done anything so seemingly crazy in a long while, especially on this land here. Soaping up your bum and sliding down a muddy hill in the rain is so far from being sensible, and such a necessary activity if one becomes too sensible.

As I am always searching for more sanity, I decided French class would take place at a nearby park rather than at our house. We had our first class at “Dawkins Lake” (it seems like a pond to me), and it was awesome. There were no mosquitos, no extra dishes, and no food involved but still had all the good things: friends, children to teach and a beautiful place. Add in a load of beautiful birds, shady trees every twenty feet and a sidewalk. We had a lovely time, and the children soaked up a little more French soul, as they do each week. Another visit to paradise was to our favourite beach: Valla. Jacinta, Genevieve and I spent a few early morning hours playing in the shallow water, building castles, following hermit crabs, and hopping from one little warm pool to another. Genevieve particularly enjoyed jumping in each hole Jacinta or I dug. A highlight for me was finding the ochre and painting ourselves red, easily washed away by swimming. Jacinta’s highlight was probably having all of my attention and not having to wait around for me to finish cooking, cleaning or feeding Genevieve. Who doesn’t thrive on attention?

Jacinta tells everyone lately that, “there are a lot of babies coming,” speaking of all of our pregnant friends and family. Two weeks ago Matt’s sister gave birth to a beautiful boy. A few days ago, my Grandma passed away. A few days ago, our friends Anne Marie and Bernie gave birth to a beautiful girl, Sarah Therese, just two days after the one year anniversary of their first baby girl who lived only five hours. The circle goes round and round. Birth and death, sadness and happiness, insanity and sanity, sun and rain, hot and cold, tall and short, and waking and sleeping, they all go round and round.

I shall join the sleeping side of the circle. Take care :)

Peace,
Shana