I like this... I do not like that

Good evening loved ones. It has been a pretty calm week out here at my parents’ houses. The girls and I have left camp and are moving back into suburban life. It’s so interesting how much less physical energy we exert by staying inside most of the day, yet how exhausted I am by the end of the day. I’m sure it also has a lot to do with the fact that Matt is not with us. It has been ten days now and we miss him. This is the first time I’ve really felt what it’s like to be a single mom, albeit one that doesn’t work but flits around traveling with a borrowed car having someone else pay the bills. I’m actually having to plan and prepare three meals a day once again, and even do some cleaning! Real life is coming back to me now. It’s not so bad, I just miss my kitchen. At least it’s a gradual re-entry thanks to my parents’ help.

I think I now understand why people want to own land. Camp Skyline has about 156 acres. We live on five acres in Australia. Dad and Barb live on a one acre lot. Mom and George live on perhaps one quarter of an acre. At camp, I don’t usually feel the need to leave. There is ample space for me to spread my wings and fly. Ten years ago when I was a camp counselor I hardly ever left the property. This year I went out quite frequently, partly using this beautiful camp as a home base to go out and catch up with other lovely friends I had been missing in Australia. It was a strange combination: dwelling in this awesome all encompassing camp life yet flitting away like a free little bird to hop in and out of other people’s lives. Living on five acres I will go for days without the urge to escape, if I have visitors. But eventually I do get the urge to go into town and experience life among larger crowds and in larger spaces. As the space I inhabit decreases, I feel more of an urge to get out. I’m finding that my comfort zone is based on amount of space, availability of companionship, where most time is spent: indoors or outdoors, and

accessibility to good food.

I’m also learning that I think about food a lot more than most people. Perhaps I already knew that. I’m not talking about theory, quality or source. I’m talking about what we are going to put in our bellies today. I don’t often let lunch sneak up on me and say, “Hmmm…what will we have for lunch?” I would have pondered it after breakfast, perhaps agonized over the matter or gotten excited. I don’t think this is a cultural difference between Australians and Americans, nor do I think it’s always a positive thing that I think so much about food. It is a matter of slow food versus convenience foods. If you know there is nothing quick and easy for the taking, you must prepare something if you are to eat. It is the preparation of the food that intimidates many of us, just the mental energy it takes to first decide what you will eat, then grow or buy the right things and finally put the time into preparing the food. This very thing excites some of us. But no doubt, whether we enjoy it or not, we must eat to live so we all have to prepare something.

We all love to eat, especially Jacinta. I wonder why. We also relish our right to have an opinion. Jacinta is just tapping into the world of discernment. Just this week, she commented to my mother on her clothing, her grandmother’s clothing, “I don’t like that shirt Grandma.” Ahhhh! Shock and horror, my daughter’s first display of ignorant rudeness was to my sweet mum. To ease my shock, she has kept up the barrage of blatantly rude opinions. I’ve tried to limit her need to make decisions in life so far, in making most of her decisions for her. I thought this might help. She may not get to choose her clothes, but you can bet she is going to tell me what she thinks about everything. In general, she has decided she doesn’t like any color but pink. Is this to spite me? Yes. Much to my horror, she thinks pink, red and orange are “Girly colors.” She wants nothing to do with any other color.

On a sweeter note, Jacinta has started choosing favorites: songs, colors, and foods. She misses her daddy, so we are listening to him sing on cds whenever we get a chance. She hears songs and within a few notes on the guitar, she knows which song it is. “I love this song mommy, this is my favorite.” “I like the Theresa song too though, mommy, that’s my favorite too.” The next song will come on, another daddy song, “Sneeze.” “This one’s my favorite.” She’ll sing along remembering most of the lyrics, getting to the next song about her sister. “I love this song too.” A darker song will come on. “Oooh, I don’t like this one mommy,” she’ll comment in a very serious tone. Given her leaning to judge right now, I was sure she’d start to dislike one song. The lyrics go like this, “Nobody loves me like my own sister.” Later on it works into, “Nobody scares me like my own sister.” She hasn’t inquired as to why Genevieve might scare her, thus it is still one of her favorite songs.

Thus far Jacinta has not displayed great jealousy of her sister, just subtle hints. She needs extra cuddles, my left knee if Evie is on my right, and wants me to feed her (with a spoon). Most times I am happy to oblige when I think about her needs, but sometimes my need for space overrides her need for equality. Last night, I was able to leave her to fall asleep given that Genevieve was sleeping next to her. She is very exited for Evie to grow up so she can feed her, help her walk and eventually play with her. Although much of her affection lies in anticipation, she also loves the present. Jacinta loves to hold her little sister, give her toys, make her smile, make her laugh, and to fill in as a substitute toy. She’ll get down on Evie’s level and let her grab at her face, suck on her cheeks, and pull her hair. I’ve been quite impressed with the way Jess deals with the hair pulling: she doesn’t wince in pain like I do. She laughs and merely grabs the tuft of hair above Evie’s hand, gently pulling it out of the tight little fist.

Genevieve, oh Genevieve, such a wakeful baby she is. Not only is she alert, but she does not nap. I keep thinking she’ll learn how to nap for more than thirty minutes. She is teething now, I’ve pulled out all the stops: teething tablets, chamomile and teething toys. She is generally pretty happy, but just doesn’t rest much. She still spends her free time in the flying position: on her belly with her arms straight out to the sides and her knees bent, toes curled ready for take off. She is grabby, smiley and curious. Luckily she is still at a stage when she can be calmed by anyone who will stand up, rock her and let her touch or suck on things. She is very quiet if not in pain or in need of something. I’m realizing that Jacinta, Matt and I are the only ones that ever hear her coo or giggle. How lucky we are.

Life at Mom and George’s has been good fun, familiar and comfortable. I can always expect to hear some good piano music played by my mom, shoot the breeze out on the porch and hang out with George in the garage. Mom and I read some Harry Potter together, and had time for some good chats. Jess, having heard us mention the book a few times with no explanation of what it was asked, “What’s Humphrey Potter?” We laughed at that. She then named one of her toys Humphrey Potter. Jacinta loves stamping with mom and painting with George. She gets a kick out of their birds, but not as much as Genevieve does. Although mom shouldn’t really be walking around soothing Evie, she can’t resist. Whenever the going gets tough, the birds help to calm her down. We went out to play at a few parks, checked out a girls softball tournament, went out to Lake Michigan for sunset and just relaxed. One highlight was a visit out to St. Joseph, Michigan to catch up with a dear college friend and meet her 9 day old baby Ella. Beautiful baby, lovely town, good food, nice beach and time to enjoy it all and be with my mom and my girls. I couldn’t ask for more.

This weekend we have spent at my dad and Barb’s house. Jacinta is usually very uncomfortable the first hour anywhere, testing out her space, but springs forward after a little while. This time she is overwhelmingly excited to discover every little inch of this house. The inside is filled with all of Uncle Jeff’s toys and the outside is a gorgeous food-filled garden with swings, dogs, flowers, stepping stones and animals made of stone. My sister and family are also visiting here, with the added bonus of baby Kai, who started walking yesterday! I love watching Jacinta trust and grow more and more fond of the family I love so much. Missing her own daddy, today she commented to Uncle Ben as he munched on Kai’s toes that, “My daddy, he eats me too.” Amidst caring for our teething baby and sweet demanding Jacinta, I’ve had time to knit, do gymnastics outside with Jess and of course, do a little cooking. There is even a Jacinta size park within walking distance. We are all here to celebrate my dad’s 60^th birthday, so it’s a good time.

Anticipating our return to Australia, Jacinta wanted to make some phone calls to friends and family back home. We tried calling Pop and Grandma a few times, finally reaching Grandma. Jacinta grew shy and wouldn’t say hello, but sat listening to me for a while, then became obnoxious to get me off the phone. She has not spoken to anyone on the phone in a while, she comes in and out of practice. She then wanted to call Lily and Aidan (ages 3 and 5), but when we got them on the phone did the same thing. Poor torn little girl, it is hard to contemplate such completely different existences. Or maybe I’m reading too deeply into three year old quirkiness.

As you can see, I am enjoying three year old quirkiness and five month old curiosity, as I can ramble on for three pages about them. This is my existence at the moment, children, family, nothing more and nothing less. I hope you too enjoy your present.

Peace,

Shana